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Common Ground
In a day when
the world's values seem to be as diverse as its cultures,
parents are spending a lot of time searching for a set of
standards that will not only suit their individual
philosophies, but actually fit in with the way they really
live. The official rating system used by the movie and
television industry is a good example of this. While a
minor may not attend an "R – rated" movie without a
parent, the same features are eventually relegated to
cable TV where they can be seen – often during prime time
– by anyone. Similarly, parents who do not allow their
young children to view horror films, have virtually no
control over the previews of those films that are
scattered relentlessly throughout the day without
restrictions to time or channels.
It would be
nice to say that parents who are really concerned with
these issues, have the option to supervise their children
to the point that the television is only turned on during
approved programs, that the "mute" button is effectively
used during commercials, and that they provide some visual
distraction during those commercials that will insure that
their darlings are not suffering unwanted assaults on
their senses. But how many of us really do that? In all
honesty, supervision in today's homes invariably means
that the parents are busy in the kitchen or at the
computer, while children are occupying themselves at their
own discretion for… however long they are quiet.
That's because one of the few things that have not changed
down through the eons of family history is the belief that
"silence is golden."
And after a
hard and hectic day at the office, it truly is.
 There
are a lot of these discrepancies in the lives of today's
families. The public schools set certain standards for
education and behavior, but it is still ultimately the
parent who makes the final decision to uphold them, or
not. Does everyone enforce the suggested 20-40 minutes
per subject for homework every evening? Hardly. Any
child who "gets their homework done," (in most families)
is done. Good enough. And a great percentage of children
actually get through school by only doing a minimal amount
of homework, if any. What they don't get done before and
between classes is invariably made up in passing test
grades.
The same
practices hold true with nutrition. Research has proven
that a balanced diet supplemented by vitamins can have
noticeable effects on a child's performance in school, as
well as their propensity to fend off colds and the flu.
But how many families indulge in fast foods (pizza
included in this category) at least twice a week, or
more. And it is not a realistic assessment if you do not
include breakfasts and lunches in this survey. Time is
the premium commodity that overrides sound judgment in
this area. Hard working parents not only lack the time to
rustle up fresh foods from scratch, it is frequently more
expensive to do so. Besides that, children have a
tendency to argue about such items as broccoli, carrots,
and fresh salads, over a quick stop for a hamburger and
fries. And how can you insist that your children
substitute milk or water for their beverage during these
outings, when you yourself would only order a soda…
because that's what goes best with such fare.
The truth is,
that quite a few generations have been raised up with
these eating habits, and the human race still continues to
propagate. What's more, the body is such an amazing and
resilient mechanism, that it is possible in most cases to
recover optimum health by changing diet and exercise
habits in later years. At which time it becomes an
individual's personal choice. So, is it really worth the
hassle when raising and dealing with children? Considering
the same holds true with almost every standard in our
society, are any of them really worth it? If – barring
violence, theft, and all manner of perversion – a child
can be raised to adulthood with a minimum amount of
enforced control, what's the point? The point is, some
things make life better.
And some don't.
 That's
why it is important to use "standard measures" when
deciding what you will or will not apply to your family's
list of values. Because in spite of the fact that we have
never had so much help available in both resources and
information for raising up children, we still only have
twenty-four hours in a day to do it in. Which means that
no normal person can physically (much less mentally)
incorporate everything available for this task into their
lives. Choices have to be made. Priorities need to be
set. And our decisions ultimately have to be incorporated
in order to have any benefit, at all.
So, then, what
are the "standard measures?" They are – as former
Secretary of Education, William J. Bennett, says -- those
common characteristics that history itself has proven to
be worthwhile. They are not subject to race, color, or
creed. There are no laws against them in any country, and
they are universally respected by young and old. They are
those things which Life itself condones as good, by
showering such individuals that adhere to them with good
things. And they flourish on common ground.
Good people
live on common ground. They do not hide, shirk their
duties, or interfere in the lives of others who live
there. And the startling thing is, that if a poll was
taken that could encompass everyone on the planet, we
would find that most of the people live on this common
ground. That's because it is part of our basic humanity
to gravitate toward these good things. It's human
nature.
In bringing up
children, it is often tempting to get caught up in the
temporary struggles that are merely stepping-stones to
maturity, as opposed to promoting the standards that will
ultimately strengthen the maturing process. Many times a
child is corrected or even excused from offending behavior
because of their age or disposition, when they are not
only capable, but happier, when given a more general rule
to live by. For instance, if Jimmy pushes his little
sister because she stepped in front of him while he was
watching TV, it isn't very beneficial to smack him for
being rough, or let her push him back so that he "knows
how it feels." What he learns foremost from this type of
response is that he will be more careful not to get caught
next time.
 However,
if he is admonished that no one likes to be pushed
because it breaks one of our most important rules – which
is to be kind to each other – and we must look for a
better way of communicating disturbances other than being
physical… we now have a situation that his heart can
respond to. It is not wrong to be irritated at someone
for getting in your way. It is wrong to be unkind. He
should have asked her to move, or moved himself, in order
to solve the problem. A "time out" away from others (and
the TV) is an appropriate consequence, here, in order to
demonstrate that the welfare of others is always more
important than television. This doesn't mean he has to
remain in this banishment for a half an hour or more.
Five to fifteen minutes will do (depending on the age of
the child), and when he returns, the incident is forgiven
and forgotten… thereby demonstrating kindness to him in
return.
Every once in
awhile, it becomes necessary for families to "take stock"
of their own personal standards, and to do a little
readjusting if they have slipped into some habits that
don't quite measure up. Following are some guidelines to
help decide whether your rules are really promoting your
family values, or not.
¨
MEASURE BY VIRTUE. Patience,
kindness, tolerance, and consideration… these are some of
the qualities that not only make family life better, they
make whole societies better. And contrary to popular
opinion, these traits do not show weakness. They
produce a strength of character that is admired in every
culture.
¨
AVOID PETTINESS. Is an infraction
important enough to bring a consequence based on
principle? If it isn't, don't complain about it. If you
don't want kids yelling in the house today because you
have a headache, find a better way to communicate that you
would appreciate a little peace and quiet other than
yelling, "No yelling in the house!"
¨
RESPECT OTHERS and your children will
not only respect others, they will respect you. No one
likes to be called names, and most employees would be
irate if the boss insulted them or their work in front of
co-workers. Children feel the same way.
¨
DON'T IGNORE MAJOR ISSUES. Many
parents wait until disagreements turn into brawls before
intervening. If you become aware of inappropriate
behavior going on, diffuse it before it escalates. Bad
behavior isn't going to get any better by getting worse
first.
¨
ENCOURAGE GOOD character traits
whenever you see them demonstrated in your family… if you
do, they will show up more often.
¨
INSIST ON SHARING. It is one of the
best disciplines that Life has to offer. Regular practice
not only makes others happier, it instills compassion,
thoughtfulness, and the ability to be gratified by someone
else's pleasure.
¨
BE AN EXAMPLE. Don't ask your
children to do anything you don't require of yourself.
Children are mirrors of their parent's values, not models
of behavior.
It is important
to promote family values in bringing up children, because
not only do they make life better, but because things of
value last. Simple habits like making a bed a certain
way, or washing vegetables before storing them in the
refrigerator, have a degree of benefit but they tend to
disappear with the individual. And as much as women have
been liberated in many ways since women's suffrage and the
equal rights amendments, history is full of women who
ruled nations, fought wars, and became wealthy long before
any of those laws were passed in Congress. They did those
things because of who they were on the inside. Which not
only earned them the admiration of others, but illuminated
the paths of others that followed after them. Their inner
values never died.
 Those
same values can not only be developed today, they can
still be found producing the same kind of results. So, if
you find yourself struggling with what is – or isn't –
worth teaching your children in this day and age; decide
first if the lasting effect will have any value, or not.
And remember, a person doesn't have to be intelligent or
wealthy, or even what we tend to call "an ordinary parent"
in order to teach their children the greatest values of
all time. It's done every day by people all over the
world…
By showing them
how to live on "common ground."
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