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Top Ten
List of Ineffective Behaviors in Managing Children
(Part 1
of 2)
Note: This
week's article will end a two-part column on ineffective
behaviors in managing children. List numbers one through
five will appear this week. Last week's column
highlighted numbers ten through six.
To
view numbers ten through six, check out Volume (Issue
33, vol. 4.5) as well as other excellent columns
offered by the web site.
Coming in
at number five on this week's top ten list is
comparing one child’s behavior to another,
typically a sibling. While grocery shopping the other
day, I overheard a mother chastise her young son in a loud
stern voice; “Do you see Katie doing that? Why can’t you
act like your sister?” Well, for one, he is not his
sister's age, nor does he have his sister's current
disposition. Continual comparison can serve as a source
of frustration as the child struggles to perform in a way
that is uncomfortable or outside their nature, not to
mention spur sibling rivalry. Each child is unique and
different in his or her own way and these differences are
cause for celebration - now or later.
A good
friend of mine once told me how stubborn her mother
thought she had been as a child. That quality had served
her well through a professional career in activism, as
well as a bought with cancer. She told me of how her
mother had decided her being so stubborn perhaps was not
such a bad quality to have, after all. It had helped save
her life. Yes, thank goodness for differences.
Number
four, as our list continues, goes hand-in-hand with many
of the items and that is expecting age inappropriate
behavior. Remember our young grocery shopper with
his sister? He was in the cereal isle admiring each box
at his level. He was sharing his excitement at seeing all
the items. He would take a few steps then raise a box in
the air and beg, "Can we have this one?"
Nutritional arguments aside, he was being a typically
five-year -old in a candy shop. It is how they do
their grocery shopping! While watching the
enthusiastic little shopper, one could easily be drawn
into his fascination. Adults could learn from having
their eyes opened in such wonderment.
Children
do act their age, contrary to most adults' wishes. They
will have to grow up soon enough, anyway. Let them enjoy
it. Take the time to enjoy it with them and remember to
expect five-year-old behavior from a
five-year-old! Which brings us to the next item on our
list expected ineffective behaviors that our young
shoppers mother was implementing - yelling.
 There
is a time and a place for yelling. Children
yell out of joy and anger, just as adults do.
However, adults must teach children how not to
act upon anger. It is never acceptable to yell at
a child in anger or rage. Nothing good becomes instilling
fear in a child and she or he will mimic that behavior
toward others, as well. Obedience out of fear will be
short lived. If a voice is to be raised anytime, let it be
in joy.
Number two
on the list is physical retribution of any kind.
Simply put, any action done out of anger is
unproductive. Words shouted in anger, a slap across the
face, a push - all of these actions stick in a child's
mind a long time - perhaps a lifetime. Is that really a
memory one wants to create for a child? Do you have any
of those memories? Do you want to be a part of that in
any one else's psyche?
It is
important to take a step away from any volatile situation
to gather one's thoughts. In this case, inaction
can speak louder than words. Through example, children
will learn the importance of taking time out and
taking time away to think things through before
acting when angry. It is all right to be angry at
someone's behavior, but it is never all right to act
negatively on that anger.
Lastly,
number one on the list of ineffective behaviors in working
with children, is avoidance in admitting wrongdoing.
Adults expect children to take responsibility for their
behaviors and no less is to be expected of adults.
Children,
especially young children, have the perception that adults
know what they are doing right or wrong. They
often do not have the freedom to agree or disagree if
their perspective puts them at odds with a parent or
teacher. Unlike power, which can be a result of
placement, respect is something earned. As children age,
they quickly learn the difference. An adult or teacher
may have authority over a particular child, but they will
quickly lose that, if they have not earned that same
child's respect. Respect comes through truth and
accountability, even when it means admitting to being
wrong - no matter what age.
 A
great misconception on the part of the adult is that if
one admits an error, somehow the child will take advantage
of the situation. If there is a solid foundation of
respect between the adult and child, proving one is
fallible will not alter that. In fact, it will probably
strengthen the bond already present.
This week,
think of your own top ten list. Monitor your progress.
More importantly, do you notice any behavioral
improvements in the children with whom you are working?
Being a
good teacher or parent is one of the greatest
responsibilities any adult will have in a lifetime.
Always keep in mind that even the most seasoned teacher
feels challenged any given day. Be patient with yourself
and children knowing that change takes time, but it is
well worth the investment.
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