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The Meaning of Things
Children are
great mimics. They can capture attitudes, body language
and parrot phrases with the skill of impressionists before
they hit the age of five. This can be highly entertaining
at social gatherings. But like all childhood talents, the
lines between when and where, real and unreal, and what's
appropriate and what isn't are way beyond the capacity of
most children to distinguish. This is made up for by
their driving need for approval, which – for the most part
-- keeps them reeled in close to what their parents would
or wouldn't allow. Which pretty much covers things in a
social setting.
What goes on at
home is another matter.
If it is true
that children will mimic attitudes and phrases, it should
come as no surprise that they will also successfully
display the appropriate behavior patterns that parents
require of them. And they will do it without having the
slightest idea of why or what they are doing it for. As
far as they are concerned, they are doing it for you,
and that's reason enough. There are a lot of things
children don't understand but this amazing aptitude for
mimicry helps them to get by nicely until they do. Even
if they never do, the talent will help them get by
adequately in almost any life situation, except maybe
running for president. The point is, about thirty percent
of the words we use to communicate with children, are
words that children do not know the meaning of.
A simple test
is to ask a child under ten to define the word
"attitude." Most can't. And even though they might hear
this word frequently in the phrase, "You better change
your attitude!"… they have worked out their own acceptable
response for it. To them, it means whatever activity they
are involved in is to stop immediately. The result of
which is usually agreeable to the parent, so nothing
further is mentioned. The phrase itself could be just as
easily exchanged with, "Straighten up!" and produce the
same results. One might argue that it makes no difference
as long as the desired effect is achieved. But it does.
For like planting seeds, most of those differences won't
show up until later on down the road.
 They
show up in the form of "not being able to get through
to the child" as easy as it was when they were
younger. In the next stage of development, they aren't
quite as driven to please. Not because they feel any less
for their parents, but because their world has expanded,
and the distraction and excitement it offers are much more
interesting than the old home-place. Even if it's a nice
one. Which is how it should be, for we ultimately want
our children to grow up and stand on their own, and this
stage is simply part of the process. But it is also the
place where if you have neglected to teach certain
communication skills in the earlier years, it will
be twice as hard to do at this point. A child has a
stronger sense of self at this later stage, and a tendency
to resent someone else planting seeds in their garden when
they are so driven now to do it themselves. Not
that it can't be done. It just takes a little more time
and care not to bruise tender egos.
It has been
said that one should never "assume" anything. But there
are certain situations in the parent/child relationship
when it is vital to do just that. The difference here is
not to assume that your children understand you… but to
assume that they don't. Which often reveals the need to
sharpen up on a few of your own communication skills in
order to help them.
Sadly, many
failures to communicate are not met with an additional
effort to make things clearer, but rather a statement
like, "What's the matter with you?" or "What were you
thinking?"… which leaves the child thinking there must be
something wrong with what they did. Or worse, yet, with
who they are. Few parents realize that the
communication breakdown might be on their end, and if they
do, feel little need to make things right. After all, it's
only their kids. If they don't know by now what their
parents expect, they better learn. And most children do.
The trouble with this scenario is – though it spreads a
seeming peace for the time being – it tends to perpetuate
poor communication skills from one generation to another.
Which can cause more problems not only the older one gets,
but the farther along one gets in life. Many an executive
is stopped on his/her way up the corporate ladder simply
by a lack of communication skills.
 Which
doesn't mean parents should panic and start reading the
Wall Street Journal, or "How To Win Friends and Influence
People" in order to assure that their children will
succeed in Life (though of course, neither of these fine
publications could hurt). It just means that every now
and then, one should take an assessment of how things are
proceeding in the communication department of your family,
and then make a few adjustments if need be.
Here are some
suggestions to help:
¨
TEST THE WATERS of your communication
habits by asking every now and then for your child to tell
you what a certain word in your instructions means. For
instance, if Johnny's teeth-brushing routine has come up
lacking again, after agreeing to do a "thorough job" of
it… you better ask him what he thinks the meaning of
thorough is. In his book, it might simply be using
enough toothpaste to pass the breath test. The same can
be said of the five-year-old girl who memorized The Lord's
Prayer, but changed the phrase "daily bread" to "jelly
bread" when she recited it in front of her Sunday school
teacher. As far as she was concerned, she had never
tasted anything called daily before.
¨
NEVER PASS UP A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN THINGS.
The way things work, why people do things, they way you do
things in your own home – and why – are all things
children need to know but rarely ask about. What's more,
if you can engage them in a discussion at the same time,
you will not only be sharing important knowledge with
them, you will be giving them valuable practice in
expressing themselves… which is the all-important first
step in the communication process.
¨
TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO LISTEN. With
so many things vying for a child's attention these days,
it isn't uncommon to find a child who can't keep his mind
– much less his ears – focused on anything. And although
many children have a capacity to grasp what is being said
to them while doing something else at the same time, it is
a trait that gets a negative response instead of a
positive one in the rest of society. Especially at
school. There are three things that show others
you are listening, and here they are:
1) Always maintain eye contact
with whoever is speaking.
2) Nod every now and
then to show that you understand.
3) Give an appropriate answer or
response in order to acknowledge when the person is
finished speaking.
A person who masters these three
listening skills – no matter how old they are – is well
on their way to being respected by others.
¨
USE COMMON COURTESIES when speaking
with your children, and they will use them with you and
others. Excuse me, please and thank you, and calling each
other by name, cultivates respect… and respect cultivates
the desire to listen. A person can have the best
communication skills there are, but if the person they are
talking to isn't listening, they might as well be
talking to themselves.
¨
AVOID YELLING to make your point.
Yelling automatically puts the recipient in a defensive
position as opposed to a receptive one… which would you
prefer?
¨
NEVER WITHHOLD AFFECTION AS A MEANS OF
DISAPPROVAL. If you disapprove of your child's
behavior or attitude – tell them. Or give them an
appropriate consequence. Withholding touch or
friendliness is a form of rejection, not disapproval.
Especially for young ones.
¨
DON'T OVEREXPLAIN. Try to be
sensitive to your child's age, attention span, and frame
of mind when you want to go into lengthy explanations of
things. Like the parent who went into a detailed
description of the lifecycle when their child was merely
wondering which city they were born in (as opposed to what
their literal origins were), a lack of communication can
be as much the fault of a parent as a child.
¨
ALWAYS ASSUME THAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE
TENDER-HEARTED, no matter what their reactions to you
(or any given situations) are. All children are
tenderhearted.
Though one
doesn't have to be skilled in the art of communication in
order to survive in life, one can definitely get along
better and happier if they are. Teaching the basic habits
of communication in the early years while it is natural
for children to imitate, will not only be easier – it will
make communicating easier for them when they are past the
formative years. Why? Because everyone responds to good
communication skills, no matter what age, race, color, or
creed they are… it's human nature. Children who have
learned these things from an early age will continue to
practice them by habit. Habits that others will –
by nature – respond to. What's more, they can be a real
safeguard during the later "unlovely years" when our
darlings are more involved with themselves than others…
which is also human nature.
And human
nature is much easier to deal with when you consider
the meaning of things.
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