Great Moments in Child-Rearing History

Sometimes, I see some celebrity on TV, who tells me to encourage my children to read. "Especially," they often say, "newspapers."

I will take advice from anybody.

"You must do a current event every day," I said. "It's important to develop an addiction to current events while you're still in your formative years."

"Why?" my daughter asked. She is always asking questions like that. My sons never do. They just say, "OK." I could tell them to eat their shoes, and they would say, "OK." But not this girl. She wants to know why.

"Because Andie McDowel said so."

"Who’s that?"

"An actress. She’s in movies."

"Does she have kids?"

"How would I know?"

"So, I have to do a current event every day, because somebody you don’t even know if they have kids, says I should?"

"Why does it matter if she has kids or not?"

"Well, if she doesn’t have kids," my daughter said, "maybe she doesn’t know anything about them."

"What would she need to know?"

"She would need to know that kids don’t like to read the newspapers."

"It’s an acquired taste," I replied.

"What’s taste have to do with anything? We have to eat the newspapers now?"

"Yes."

"I’m not eating any newspapers."

I knew she meant it, too. She’s got a will on her, that one. She is not going to eat anything she doesn’t want to eat, and that’s that.

"Go get the paper from the garage," I told her.

"OK, but I’m not eating any newspapers."

"So don’t eat it," I said, "just read it."

"All of it?"

"Go get it."

"Do I have to read for a certain amount of time, or what?"

Well, I hadn’t thought about that, but no matter. I would think about it while she was gone to fetch the wretched thing. That would be right now. I began to consider the matter. Surely, there was a method. Maybe one article a day at first, until that became easy, then two articles a day, until that ---

"I don’t have to read the whole thing, do I?"

She was still standing there. Hadn’t moved.

"Because that would take me all day!"

"One article. Now, go!"

"How long of an article?"

"Oh, please! Go get the paper, and let’s have a look!"

"What section?"

"The whole thing."

"I thought you said I only have to read one article."

"I mean go bring the whole thing."

"Well, can I at least read something that’s interesting?"

"Like what?"

"Maybe weddings?"

"No, I don’t think so."

"Why not? Weddings are in there, aren’t they?"

"Well, yeah, but that’s not news."

"Then why are they in there?"

"Not weddings," I said immediately. You can’t afford to hesitate in these matters. They’ll see it as an opening to argue.

"Well, can we eat dinner first?"

"I haven’t even started cooking yet."

"We could have scrambled eggs. That’s fast. I’m so hungry."

The boys came out of nowhere. "Me, too," said one. "Me, too," said the other.

Oh. Well. The children needed to eat. "Ok," I said. "You go get the paper, and you can read aloud while I cook."

"I could do that," said my daughter, and off she went.

Fifteen minutes later, the eggs were done, and she was not back yet. Once again, the boys appeared out of nowhere.

"Where’s your sister?"

"She’s in her room."

"Go tell her dinner’s ready."

Somebody went. I did not care who. In a moment, everyone was seated around the table, ready to partake, saying grace, spooning eggs onto plates, buttering bread.

"What happened to the newspaper?" I queried.

"I thought I better finish my homework first."

I need to discuss this with Andi. I didn’t realize how many complications there would be. They all read the comics every day. Is that what she meant? I just wish I knew Andi, so I could ask. Maybe if I read People Magazine or something, I can find out how to contact her. I need more details.