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Temper
Tantrums - Journey to a Foreign Land
Many people
have seen it happen. A parent and child are caught in a
struggle in a tug-of-wills over an item at the local
mall. The child screams and stomps or throws himself to
the floor wildly flailing. The parent tries to pick up
the child. All the while, an audience looks on. Those
adults witnessing the ritual shake their head in
wonderment or remember the days they, too, found
themselves in the same situation. Others walk away in
haste; thankful it is not their child on the floor .
Temper
tantrums, in many instances, are an expected part of a
child's development. While one sibling seemingly wanders
through the toddler and pre-school years peacefully,
another becomes our example at the mall above. What
causes tantrums and how can the parent or adult respond?
 One of the
foremost premises to understand when a child is having a
temper tantrum is that they are acting out frustration.
They are angry or displeased with a decision and really
have no other way of expressing this deep frustration.
They do not know the "language", if you will.
Young
children have no means of expressing themselves verbally
so have to find alternatives to express their
displeasure. Think of yourself being unable to talk the
native language in another country. How would you express
anger? Typically, through other types of body gestures.
Would your hands be waving? Would your face be red?
Might you throw yourself to the ground? How about your
legs, would they be flailing or kicking? Sound familiar
or at all like our scene at the mall? Tantrums are in
the language of the child. Adults struggle to find an
interpreter. Like any foreign country, one is often not
immediately available, so we do our best to guess at what
it all means.
Adults have a
distinct advantage when it comes to communication skills.
We have the power of a vocabulary to help express our
displeasure. Young children are not so lucky. They have
to rely on the adult's ability to interpret what it is
they are trying to say with all the noise and flailing.
Usually, we do quite well, or at least assume we do
in that the child is not happy with a decision, is hungry,
or is just tired. (At least, those are some of the more
common assumptions.) Then, the next step must be taken -
a response to the outburst. This is the tough part,
especially on the part of the adult.
One thing I
have found very helpful in dealing with temper tantrums,
is to not assume they are a "bad" or negative type of
behavior. Yes, they are disruptive, loud, and annoying,
but that, again, is the language of the young child. They
do not have the necessary social or communication skills
to recognize the behavior as inappropriate. Considering
this is one way in which a young child communicates, it
might be better to consider the action natural versus
being negative in nature in order to act appropriately and
curb latter outbursts. Adults assume the negative
behavior can be stopped upon command. How quickly does it
take the average adult to calm down? Not with the snap of
a finger, so why do we expect a child to be able to do the
same?
 Based on the
premise that children are expressing themselves the only
way they know how, it makes sense to allow themselves to
yell or scream in order to vent their frustrations. Of
course, a shopping mall is not the best area for this, so
I would suggest either carrying the child out-of-doors or
to the car where they can get it out of their system. The
biggest mistake adults make is in forcing the child to
stop immediately. It just does not work. Also instilling
fear in the child is not an effective means of avoiding
the problem in the future. Studies show children raised
in fear often vent their emotions in negative behaviors
later in life.
Once the
child is in an area where they can express themselves, let
them do so. Be sure they will not hurt themselves or
others and let them go. It is not necessary to pay
attention to them, other than to monitor their safety.
Eventually, they will calm down and the journey home can
continue. Only now, the car will probably be a bit more
quiet and safer for the driver and other passengers, as
well.
If the
tantrums continue, allow the child to continue to yell,
jump, or scream within reason. Throwing things, breaking
things or other hurtful behaviors to others is not
acceptable. Remind the child of what is "ok" and what is
not. It is "ok" to be angry, it is not "ok" to throw
things.
As the child
develops a vocabulary, other strategies can be put into
place. When one occurs, be quick to remind him or her
that you understand words not noises. Ask them to use
their words and tell you what is wrong. After the tantrum
is over, spend time talking about what to do the next time
they are angry or upset. What will work "better"? Remind
him or her it is all right to be angry, but it is not all
right to act on those words by breaking objects, throwing
things, or hurting others.
 If a child is
still having continual emotional outbursts after age five,
or they continue for long periods of time (10 minutes or
more), it may be wise to seek out a counselor's advice.
Observe when the outbursts occur, for how long, and what
the child does - rock back and forth, pull their hair,
bite things - all these are helpful in an analysis. Do
they occur after a visit away from home? Are they near
mealtimes? Does there appear to be a consistent
"trigger"?
In summary,
keep in mind that tantrums are a regular part of many
children's younger years. They are not necessarily an
indicator of poor parenting, a negative home environment,
or a disturbed child (although they can be the
result of the same). Like a journey to a foreign land,
grasping another culture's language and appropriate
expressions take time. For a child, the journey to
adulthood is no different. Be patient. Allow the young
child to express her or himself the only way they know.
With time, the frustrations and anger will disappear. She
or he will develop the necessary skills to express their
disapproval. The next trip to the mall will be a little
more subdued, as will the one after that and the one after
that. The scenes will disappear and soon you will be an
onlooker remembering when……
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