Shoes of the Month Club

The phone rang and I answered it. It’s my phone. I can do that if I want.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hello?" I said. Again.

I could tell the line was open, so I said, "Listen, if you’re not going to talk, I’m going to hang on up, because with a phone - and this is a phone, that’s how it works. I talk, then you talk, then I talk, and so on. So now, it’s your turn to ---

"Hello, is this Mrs. Jorgenson?"

"No, it isn’t." I said politely.

"Is Mrs. Jorgensen available?"

"We don’t have any Mrs. Jorgensen here at all," I said.

"Oh," said the voice. "Is this 555-1212?"

"Yes, it is."

"Well," said the voice, "I’m calling to tell you that your name has been selected out of thousands of candidates, to be the recipient of some really exciting news!"

"Really!" I said. "That sounds very similar to those Jehovah’s Witnesses that come to the door sometimes to tell me the Good News, although I never seem to be able to figure out what, exactly, it is they’re trying to tell me."

The voice chuckled. "No, ma’am," it said, "I’m not a Jehovah’s Witness."

"Well, that is good news," I said.

"I would think so, too," said the voice. "The reason I’m calling is to let you know that we’re going to send you out a brand-new pair of shoes, and I just need to confirm your address----"

"Shoes?" I said.

"Yes, ma’am. It’s our way of thanking you in advance for your business. Now, if I could just---"

"What kind of shoes?" I inquired.

"I’ll get to that. Now, if I could just--"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute, not so fast!" I said. "Why would you want to send me a pair of shoes?"

"Ma’am," said the voice, "can I assume that you have children?"

"Yes," I replied cautiously.

"And don’t you have to buy them shoes on a regular basis?"

"Well, yes," I replied.

"Well, ma’am, this is a new concept called Shoe of the Month Club. What we do is, we send your first pair of shoes, a $39.95 value, absolutely free, and we’re so confident you’ll be delighted with them, that we’re going to send you another offer approximately every 27 days. You can do nothing, and receive the Club selection, or choose whatever you want from our current catalog, which we’ll send you each time. Now, if I could just confirm your----"

"Why would I want to do that?" I said.

"Well, ma’am, how often do you have to buy shoes for your children?"

"Depends on the kid," I said.

"On average."

"Every five minutes," I replied.

"Wouldn’t it be nice to have those shoes come to you, instead of having to fight traffic, stand in line, corral the kids who don’t need shoes today - by the way, how many children do you have?"

"Four."

"I’ll bet you have a tough time keeping up with all the latest styles," said the voice. "We have all the latest styles, and like I said, we’re so confident---"

"What kind of prices?"

"Well, that I don’t know," said the voice. "I do know that we have specials all the time. You can get some really super deals. That much I do know."

"Really!" I said, interested now. "What kind of deals?"

"I wish I had that information available to me, but it’s just not. But if I could just confirm your address, I could get that free pair on out to you, and I know you’re going to be very pleased with what you see," said the voice.

"Actually," I said, I really need to get off the phone and get some work done, before the kids get home."

"Yes, ma’am, if I could just confirm your address-----"

I gave it.

"And your shoe size----"

"Whose?"

"Whoever you want. It’s for the---"

"Maybe I better start with myself. I can judge better that way." I gave the voice my shoe size.

"What if I don’t like them?"

"Well, you just send them right back," said the voice. "No obligation. We’ll even pay the return postage. Now, like I said, these shoes are a $39.95 value, but you pay not one dime. Just shipping charges."

"I thought you said you pay the postage."

"Return postage. In case you don’t like them."

"What shipping, then? You didn’t say anything about shipping charges."

"Well, ma’am, this is a $39.95 value, and all you have to pay is a small shipping charge. I’m sure you’ll agree that’s more than fair!"

"How much?"

"That, I don’t know, but as I said, if you’re not satisfied for any reason, you just send the shoes right back, and we’ll pay the return postage. Fair enough?"

"All right, all right. Can I go now?"

"Yes, ma’am, you’ve been very patient. I just need a little bit more information, just take a minute, and then I’ll let you go. You’re going to be so pleased!"

"Get on with it."

"Could I just have your full name?"

I gave it.

"E-mail address?"

"-----------"

"Social Security number?"

"What for?"

"It’s on the screen. I have to fill in all the spaces."

I gave it.

"Children’s names?"

"--------------"

"Ages?"

"--------------"

"Spouse’s name?"

"--------------"

"Place of business?"

"--------------"

"Mother’s maiden name?"

"Why do you need so much information?"

"I’m sorry. We’re almost done. Just a couple more questions."

"What do you need all this for?"

"It’s on the screen, ma’am, that’s all I know."

"How can you ever close a sale, if you have to fill all this stuff in first?"

"It’s not usually a problem."

"People just answer all these questions, no problem," I said.

"Yes, ma’am, they do."

"All right, then, go on."

"Spouse’s mother’s maiden name."

"--------------"

"Spouse’s Social Security number."

Spouse’s e-mail address, if different from yours."

"Place of residence last ten years."

"Jobs held last ten years."

"Church affiliation, if any."

"Civic organizations?"

"Are you a registered voter?"

"Is your spouse a registered voter?"

"Have you ever been arrested?"

"Favorite radio station?"

"Spouse’s favorite radio station?"

"Do you have CABLE, or a satellite dish?"

"Ethnicity?"

"Are we almost done?"

"Yes, ma’am, just a couple more question."

One hundred and twenty five more questions, and the voice finally let me go. Almost immediately, the phone rang again, and I answered it. You might wonder why. It’s my phone, that's why. It's my phone, and I can answer it if I want to, OK?