Four
Keys to a Happy Childhood
Parenting is a struggle. With
your newborn, you are faced with diapers, feedings, colic,
and lack of sleep. Babies cry when all of their needs
have apparently been met and you could go crazy trying to
decipher from their tears what more you need to
do. Then, with toddlers, there are issues such as potty
training, play dates, and fielding never-ending questions
about everything under the sun. Toddlers will cry when
their needs have been met and tell you what more
you need to do. Unfortunately, what they want may be
unacceptable to you. Welcome to the Battle of Wills. The
list of challenges grows with your children as they pass
one stage of life and enter another. There is no
instruction manual or blueprint included. There are,
however, a few keys that you already have in hand. It's
simply a matter of using them.
1.)
Nurture
Your Infant
In addition to seeking prenatal
care early in pregnancy and sticking to a healthy diet,
spend time bonding with your baby before birth. An infant
can hear sounds from within the womb. Take the time
during pregnancy to speak to your baby, sing to your baby,
and play soothing music for your baby. You don't have to
do any of this in public, but mothers and fathers
can participate in getting baby accustomed to the sounds
of their voices.
After the birth of your infant,
breastfeeding is wonderful. Breast milk is economic,
healthy, and provides a wealth of immunities to your
baby. If you are uncomfortable with nursing in public,
then consider either pumping the milk or using formula by
day and nursing at bedtime. If you are uncomfortable with
nursing at all, then bottle feed.
The key here is to hold your
baby close to you during feedings. This is impossible to
avoid when nursing. When feeding by bottle, however, it
may be tempting to prop the bottle in order to tend to
other things. It's a tired phrase but 'treasure them
while they're young' is very true. Infants need the
security of being in their parent's arms. Feeding time is
perfect because babies will learn to associate the scents,
sounds, and softness of their caregiver with the warm
feeling of filling up their empty tummies. This type of
emotional and physical bonding will lead to a strong sense
of trust.
2.)
Research and Learn
You
can never seek too much information. Whether you are
planning a pregnancy or currently experiencing the joys
and challenges of being a parent, there is always more to
learn, new and different ways to handle situations, or
even just the discovery that you are not the only one.
Read anything you can get your hands on. There are books,
magazines, websites, pamphlets, and other literature just
about anywhere you go. Talk to other parents, your
obstetrician, and the pediatrician. There are television
programs with information on all phases of parenting.
There are classes to take, support groups to join, even
online chat groups. Don't be put off by the "childcare
experts" who have vastly different viewpoints from you and
even from each other. You do not have to abide by every
rule you read.
The key here is that the more
information that you receive result in more options that
are available to you. For example, if you were raised in
a family where broken rules resulted in a spanking, then
this will likely be the first response when your child
breaks your rules. Not that this is completely wrong.
After all, this is how you were raised and you turned out
just fine, right? What if you had accumulated a reservoir
of other tactics, though? Another example: if you were
raised a certain way but through research learned of
techniques such as time outs, distraction, redirection,
age-appropriate behavior, and making the punishment fit
the crime, then you have all of the above options
available to you. You can pick and choose. You can start
at the top of the list and work your way down. You may
find that something else gets the desired result.
Or, you may find that, in some cases, you end up at the
bottom of the list and do exactly what your parents did in
your shoes. At least you were able to learn what may
work, what does work, and what could work in the future.
3.)
Offer Choices
Nobody
likes to be bossed around by anyone. Try to imagine being
bossed around by someone bigger than you and how that
would make you feel. Chances are, being powerless would
lead to feelings of resentment and hostility. If you know
that you cannot physically fight back, then you may resort
to passive-aggressive behavior such as taking out your
frustration on others. Children will act out their anger
on younger siblings, pets, or toys when they feel
powerless. By offering choices to your children, you can
give them a sense of power. This will lead to a higher
sense of confidence in their abilities. If you start with
offering a toddler two simple options, such as crackers or
fruit for snack, and work up to more complex choices as
your child grows, then you are not only nurturing
self-esteem but also valuable critical thinking skills.
These skills will help them in the future when it's a
peer, not mom or dad, offering the choices, and when the
choices offered are unacceptable.
The key here is that the choices
offered are acceptable to you. Do not offer an
alternative if you don't want your child to choose it.
With toddlers, a little trick is to offer the choice you
would prefer last. Young toddlers tend to repeat the last
thing they heard. They do outgrow this tendency, though,
so be prepared to allow the first option, too. Reinforce
their decision with comments, such as, "Oh, that's a great
choice. The purple coat will keep you warmer than the
orange sweater, won't it?" This will show your child that
you appreciate their decision and encourage them to make
more.
Another little trick with
choices that can work well into preschool is to offer
options in the midst of tantrums. Your child refuses to
get out the front door and your running late for work.
Crouch down to his or her level and ask in a normal, happy
tone of voice, "So, would you like to run to the car or
hop to the car?" It's amazing how quickly the tears can
stop as they contemplate this! Usually, the choice is
made and the tantrum forgotten!
4.) Communicate With
Your Child
Communication
is important in any relationship whether it be your
significant other, parents, friends, or coworkers. This
holds very true for your children. You must communicate
with your children if you want to get to know them and if
you want them to know you. They are very unique people
with thoughts of their own. By talking and listening to
your child, you are showing them that their thoughts and
ideas are important to you. Turn off the television, put
down the bills and the telephone, and just sit with your
child. Before saying a word, observe what they are
doing. Let them bring up a topic to discuss and allow
them to steer the conversation for a while. Don't insist
on "teaching" them something, this leads to lecturing that
gets tuned out, anyway. Consciously set aside some time
to just listen. If your child asks you a question, such
as, "Why are you staring at me?" then simply respond,
"Because I love you and want to see what you are doing.
Can you tell me about what you're making?" These are
often fun discussions. When you answer a child's question
with a short answer and counter with an expanding
question, the course of the conversation could go just
about anywhere.
The key here is to allow your
child to dominate the conversation sometimes. This
reinforces to them that what they have to say is valid and
important. Sometimes, you may learn something about your
child. Perhaps you'll learn that your child often feels
very left out at daycare. You can surprise your
egocentric little one with the fact that sometimes you
feel very much the same way at work. Through
communication, you and your child can work together to
come up ways to alleviate these feelings.
These are very important keys
that open so many doors for your child. All four keys
foster a sense of trust, security, and confidence that
will carry on with your child through adulthood. It is
important to let your child know from day one that they
are special and valued. Speaking to your child
instead of at your child will promote an
environment where your child will feel comfortable coming
to you as issues grow far more complex. Also, the strong
sense of self will help them to make solid decisions on
their own if you are not available. Nurture your child,
learn about your child, listen and talk to your child, and
hand over the keys to happiness.
