Ex
In-Laws?
Even
in the beginning, I never saw eye to eye with my
ex-husband's family. They are from the north; I am from
the south. They are Catholic; I am Protestant. They can
trace their history back to Ellis Island, and even further
back into Italy. My family has been here so long, that not
only am I a mix of a mix of a mix, but my family doesn't
even know how we got here in the first place. I am sure
you get the picture - we have nothing in common
whatsoever. Except for the children.
My
divorce was not pretty, and my in-laws were strongly
opposed to the idea. My mother in-law would call me, and
ask why couldn't we just "work it out?" And,
after the divorce was final, I did not speak to my in-laws
at all. In my life, it was almost as if none of my
ex's family even existed. They did not live in the same
state as we did, and it was easy to just forget about
them. That is until I started seeing the stress of missing
those relationships take a toll on my children.
We
had the traditional every other weekend visitation
schedule. Unfortunately, that weekend rarely coincided
with my ex's out of town family 's visits. My children had
spent every holiday with these people, and now they might
see them once a year if they were lucky. They actually
felt as though my ex's family was rejecting them. Nothing
was further from the truth. It was just a matter of
timing, and our feeling awkward about how we should/could
communicate with one another in our new situation. I
decided that I had to put my feelings aside, and start
creating a relationship with these people.
I
started by writing a letter to my sister in-law (feeling
that it might be too much for my mother and father in-law
to digest). I wrote that
I did not believe that it was fair or necessary for the
kids to lose their relationships with their extended
family simply because their father and I could not be
together. I told her that I would be open to any
communications or visitations that were possible, and I
gave her all of my new contact information. And, while I
never received a direct response from her, slowly but
surely mail started to arrive from aunts, uncles, cousins
and even from my children's grandparents. I helped the
children write back, and set up email accounts in their
names to make communications faster.
After
about three months, I received a phone call that took me
by surprise. It was my ex's mother, and they were going to
be in town mid-week for a couple of days. She wanted to
know if they could pick the kids up, and take them to
dinner. I didn't even have to think about it - the answer
was a resounding, yes! I will admit to having butterflies
when they pulled into the driveway
,
but the reaction on my children's faces was all I needed
for encouragement. We made small talk for a few moments,
and they were off to dinner. A couple of hours later, my
very full, very spoiled, children came home simply
gleaming.
Since
that time, there have been countless visits, cards, calls,
and emails. And, last year when my new husband and I
happened to be going to Florida (just a couple of hours
north of my ex in-laws' retirement community), I called to
see if they would like me to drive the kids down to spend
a few days with them. Not only did my ex-mother-in-law
cook me a fabulous Italian lunch, she also gave me a
beautiful gift for my new son who was just 2 months old at
the time. It was undoubtedly the best vacation my kids
have ever had. Most recently, my children's grandparents
were on a whirlwind driving tour from Florida to Chicago
and everywhere in between. When they dropped the kids off
after taking them to dinner, my ex-father-in-law had a
thirty minute conversation with me and my husband about -
nothing. The way you do with old friends. And, I guess
that is what we are now - old friends who happen to love
two children enough to let go of the past.
