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Doing
What's Best
It isn't
always easy to know what's best for your children.
Especially in situations that neither of you have
experienced before. And
contrary to popular opinion, a parent's instinct is often
in conflict with a child's natural tendencies.
What's more, it is sometimes so difficult to get a
handle on that instinct, that some of us end up convinced
we don't possess any of it at all.
Children, on the other hand, are never at a lack
for natural tendencies.
The thing about
children is, they force you to deal with certain issues
whether you're ready, or not.
Usually, it's not.
Most of us – given the choice to avoid certain
issues – would definitely opt for a way of getting
around them. That's
because it seems no amount of planning or preparation (or
money, or lack of it) can prepare you for a baby that
suddenly vomits in a crowded elevator, or a teenager who
decides to swim naked in a friend's pool… and gets
caught. Though
we all end up living through these kinds of experiences,
the majority of us are never prepared for the actual
moments of their occurrence.
The phrase
"It is amazing what children can survive,"
should also be applied to parents. No one seems to get through the years it takes to raise a
child without a significant list of the incidents that
have "given them gray hairs" along the way.
That's because raising children is an emotional
business, whether you happen to be overly emotional, or
not. Yet,
outside of perfunctory greetings and bedtime routines, the
emotional side of parenting seems to be the most ignored
and least talked about aspect of the entire parent/child
process. No one likes being emotional.
Except maybe teenagers, who thrive on strong
feelings, whether they might be joy, anger, fear, or
despair. The
stronger the better.
Which is a study in itself.
The truth is,
all humans are emotional.
Some of them just keep it to themselves more than
others. And
some of them are so skilled at not showing any response,
they convince those around them they are not as sensitive
as most people. Which
is a deception. A
very good, self-inflicted one, but a deception,
none-the-less. All humans are born with a working set of emotions in
the same way they are born with completely functioning
hearts, livers, and lungs.
You can't see any of these organs at work from the
outside, either, buy we know they are working, just the
same. It's
that way with emotions.
And in the same way that it helps to understand the
physical stages of a child's growth to better meet their
needs, it also helps to have a better understanding of the
intricate nature of their emotions.
For the very same reason.
That's because emotionally depraved children turn
into dysfunctional adults, later on in life.
Which isn't good for anybody.
 A famous study
that involved war orphans after the last world war showed
that infants who merely had their physical needs met,
eventually weakened and died.
It wasn't enough to be merely fed and clothed, they
also had to be held and comforted, and to make some sort
of "emotional" contact with at least one other
human being in order to have the necessary impetuous to
survive. At
the same time, children who are abused by others have a
tendency to shut themselves off from outside stimulus and
– if the situation is prolonged – become harder and
harder for anyone to reach, mentally as well as
physically. So,
it would seem that even in infant stages, children possess
a sort of will over their own response
mechanisms, that allows them to adapt to individual
situations. On
the negative side, these are mostly defense mechanisms
that operate in much the same way the physical body does
when met with intense physical pain or trauma… it simply
shuts down. On
the positive side, however, this same "will" can
be so nurtured and encouraged as to produce some of the
finest human beings of our times.
What makes some
people great, and others simply content to survive?
The answer lies
somewhere in this mysterious part of humanity we refer to
as the individual will, which has its
greatest influence from the emotions.
A look at our great "heroes" of history
shows that they spring from all walks of life.
It seems to make little difference if they were
born rich or poor, or even what country they come from.
The truth is, most of those unique individuals
ultimately complete their destinies after having overcome
incredible personal odds.
In military archives, it has been proven over and
over again that men lay down their lives for their
comrades, not for their ideals… and once more we get a
fleeting glimpse of the importance of emotions in human
relationships.
 Yet, how many
times have we heard phrases like, "I put food on the
table and pay the bills, for heaven sake – that alone
should be enough to prove that I love my children."
No, it isn't.
There is also a popular saying that says,
"Actions speak louder than words."
But when it comes to emotions, this isn't true,
either. Words
are the most potent vehicles for emotions known to
humanity. If abused children can – and do – continue to love and be
loyal to abusive parents simply because the guilt-ridden
offender lavishes on declarations of love and sorrow
afterward, how much more can parents who are
"normal" achieve with the same emphasis of
expression? Oddly
enough, many of these "normal" parents don't
feel that such encounters are even necessary.
But they are.
There are
certain drives in the emotional psyche of a human being
that are universal. They
are to feel accepted, to be loved,
and to have someone or something to
live for. The
results of having these basic emotional needs met, are
that the individual will in turn be accepting of others,
know how to love someone else, and develop the amazing
ability to set themselves aside for higher ideals. They will lean more toward being contributing citizens of our
society instead of consumers. So, considering the
importance of these things to not only our future
generations but the individual quality of Life itself, how
does a parent go about promoting them?
Here are some
suggestions that can help:
¨
A
Quiet place is
a rarity in today's noisy society, especially in a child's
world.
We seem to think that rowdy and
constantly active is the nature of children, and even find
ourselves contributing to ways of keeping them so
occupied. Yet, it is essential for children to have moments of quiet to
contemplate themselves, the world around them, and simply
to observe the life process, in order to develop their
reasoning powers for later life.
What was Columbus doing when he made his famous
observation that the sails of ships seemed to
"sink" below the horizon line instead of fall
off of it? Certainly
not playing a game of stickball.
¨
A
point of acceptance is
the bottom line for any child.
To be assured that they are loved unconditionally
no matter what they look like or how they behave is the
fundamental basis of security for children. Because of this, discipline and communication should never
intrude here. Contrary
to popular opinion, being a permanently accepted member of
the family has nothing to do with unacceptable behavior on
a daily basis… they are two different things altogether.
¨
A
space to grow in. As
parents, we seldom like to acknowledge the fact that our
children are growing up.
And many of the misunderstandings of the teen years
stem from a parent refusing to accept the fact that their
child is closer to adulthood than childhood.
What's more, we also have a propensity to not let
them forget their younger shortcomings which – many
times – they have long since grown out of.
A parent who can provide "a little space for
stretching" instead of waiting until their child
grows uncomfortable, will be ahead of the game.
Have a teenager who is getting so close to driving
age you are dreading the day he asks to give it a try?
Then "buck up" and offer him the
experience before he has to ask.
Guess who will end up the hero?
¨
A
physical contact. All
people need physical contact.
It's human nature. Hug, touch, sit next to, and hold your kids…
forever.
¨
A
mental avenue. The
human mind responds to stimulation in the same way that
the body responds to exercise.
A child who is encouraged from early on to
"think about things" will not only resort to
this in adulthood – they'll get smarter.
That's because most of what we call
"smart" is simply a storehouse of experience.
¨
An
emotional attachment.
Everybody
needs at least one of these in their life.
So, give your kids a "jump start" and
make things easier for them by giving as many
opportunities as you can for the experience.
Think pets (or siblings, or in-laws, or best
friends overnight) are too much work?
Get a grip and give in… the investment pays great
dividends in the long run.
¨
Something
to dream about
is what ignites the brain, the heart, and the energy like
nothing else in life can.
Many high achievers have been dreaming about certain goals from an amazingly early age.
Never be too quick to "pour cold water"
on elaborate declarations of desires to be
the
next
astronaut, or even the next president.
All the astronauts
and presidents there ever were
started off by being somebody's kid who lived next door.
So,
if you ever find yourself feeling on the short end of
always knowing what's best for your children, you can take
comfort in the fact that nobody else does, either.
It is not a prerequisite of parenthood to
understand the whole meaning and miracle of life; only to
be a responsible caregiver for your own miraculous part in
it, which is the child you personally ushered into the
world.
In
the same way that the farmer who plants his crop does not
worry that his corn might come up oats or wheat this time
– or maybe nothing at all – the process of children
changing into adults takes place whether they have good
parents or bad ones.
And just as rich soil, sunlight, and water are
known to produce the best crops once the seed is in the
ground; providing "fertile ground" for meeting
the emotional as well as the physical needs of your
children will produce the same kind of quality in your
kids. The
rest is up to nature.
And
that's really all there is to doing
what's best.
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