No, No, No!

No is a perfectly wonderful word, unless of course, 

it happens to be your toddler’s favorite. What started as

cute shaking of the head, has rapidly progressed to wails

of ooohhh noooo for anything my toddler currently feel 

is unsatisfactory. What I don’t understand, is how he 

knows exactly what his no means, but seemingly has

 no clue as to what my no means. 

It was this frustrating conundrum that prompted me to do some

investigating. Is he simply being obstinate, are my expectations too high, 

or is it some mysterious combination of the two?

In speaking with my parenting peers, I found

that most of us just muddle through this tense time in life,

and later look back on it fondly – much later. I have two

older children, and I don’t remember going through 

anything remotely like this with them. Either they are truly

the angels I remember them to be, or my hindsight is 

tinted with crayon colored glasses.

So, when in doubt, start at the top. I went directly to The Brazelton
Institute, and while I did not find any specific information there, I did
find a link that was exactly what I needed. The site is Zero to Three
operated by the National Center for Infants, Toddlers, and Family, and
there, they kindly explained to me why my beautiful blonde boy was 

suddenly a bossy control freak.

It seems that at this time in a young child’s life, they are very capable of
understanding the word no. They typically glean this from the fact that your
facial expressions and tone of voice are saying “I am not happy with what
you are doing”. However, a toddler’s ability to understand your meaning
(receptive communication) is not directly related to the ability to maintain
self control (expressive communication). Therefore, while a toddler may
initially stop an activity to which you have responded negatively (in my
case pushing every button on the television), he or she does not have the
ability to exercise the self control necessary to stop them self from going
for what they want when they want it. At about 18 months self control is
just beginning to develop, and it not until about 2 ˝ years old that
children can begin to exert some self control over their impulses. The best
bet for getting around this type of situation is redirection with a whopping
amount of patience and understanding thrown in.

So now I know exactly why my son is not heeding my 

“no”, but the question still remaining is why is he telling

me “no” so much of the time? Well, much to my relief,

there is a perfectly logical and developmentally appropriate
reason for this behavior as well. Children in this age group

gain self awareness by becoming more assertive. Basically,

they are verbalizing the word “no”, but what they are 

communicating is more like “I am an individual with my 

own ideas and opinions”. The technical term for this 

behavior is Toddler Refusal. While it can be a frustrating

experience, there are a couple of techniques that can help.

Try giving your child choices or at least the appearance of choices (this is
when it is good to be creative). Cereal or toast, blue shirt or brown, are
some simple examples. A more complex example may be would 

you like to take a bath now, or play for 3 more minutes and then take

your bath. Either way, the bath is the only option, and toddlers cannot

tell time! If you are dealing with a situation where offering choices is not 

an option, tell them so. Tell your child that you understand that he or she

is unhappy with your decision, but that this is the way it has to be because

this is not an instance when you can offer choices. Then stick to your guns.

Tantrums are an inevitable part of raising a toddler, but hopefully armed 

with the proper information we will know how to better handle the situation.

For myself, I just hope having this information will allow me to get through

toddlerhood with some sanity left for his teens!