Abiding By Mom And Dad's Rules

 As grandparents, we sometimes tend to get carried away in our prime function to spoil our grandchildren but we should abide by the rules set by their parents. When grandparents baby the grandchildren while their parents are trying to correct them, we may unwittingly undermine their authority. This may also confuse the child when there are conflicting messages being given from both the parents, and the grandparents. If we truly want to do what is in the best interest of our grandchildren then we must abide by the rules their parents set forth. By going against the parents wishes we only teach the children that they don't have to listen to their parents. The main priority should be whatever is best for the children. Parents and grandparents should work together in the best interests of the children and not be at odds regarding parenting techniques.

Although we all want to provide helpful advice we must remember that our roles have changed and we are now grandparents, as well as parents. As grandparents we may guide, assist and offer suggestions to our grown children, but we must allow them to fulfill their new role as parent. They are the primary caregivers and must proceed in their own manner. Our children will come to us when they need advice, but if we interfere at every opportunity, we may give them the impression that we have no confidence in their parenting ability. It is better to be asked for our help or advice rather than to be labeled as an interfering parent or in-law. There are times when we don't even realize that we are nagging, because we just want to be helpful, but we have to understand that there is a fine line between the two. 

My mother offered her assistance when my first son was born, and she was a big help, but she became very possessive of my child. My mother spent practically all of her time taking care of my baby, to the point that I didn't even get the chance to care for him myself. When my in-laws came to visit, my mother would hover over my son, which made my in-laws feel quite uneasy. While I was very appreciative of my mother's help, it was difficult for me to try and explain to my mother that she was being too possessive. By insisting on doing everything for me and my child, she was not allowing me to fit into my parental role. It is wonderful for grandparents to assist their adult children with a new baby, but the parents must be allowed to fulfill their roles as primary caregivers. 

The only time interference may be necessary is if the parents are abusive, or have a problem such as alcoholism, or drug addiction, that could have an adverse effect on the children. In such cases, interference would be warranted, and grandparents should take the legal steps necessary to protect themselves and their grandchildren. In most cases, where there are no severe problems, grandparents should let their adult children develop their parenting skills in their own manner. Yes, they will most likely make their share of mistakes, but we must remember that we did, too. Assist your adult children in any way that you can, but don't try to control. Love and nurture your grandchildren, but let their parents enforce the rules. Being a grandparent is as precious and unique as being a parent. It is also a learning experience for the entire family.