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Behavior Modification Strategies: Listening
When is the last time
you practiced listening? I do not mean going in the
out-of-doors to listen to the birds or trees, or simply
being entertained in front of the stereo, I mean actually
listening to someone else. Was your mind racing ahead to a
reply? Did it shut off after a while because of boredom?
What was said after the first sentence out of the
speaker's mouth? What did your child just say?
Listening, like typing
or singing, or reading and writing, is a skill. In order
to effectively communicate, one must know first, how to
listen. In order to interpret information and formulate
facts, one must first have the appropriate listening
skills. It is often one of the most overlooked and
underrated parental skills necessary in effective behavior
management. That said, how does one go about developing
better listening skills and teach their child to do the
same?
B e
attentive. We have all kinds of distractions these
days - the television, computer, or cell phone.
Multitasking does not make for effective listening. Look
at your child. Put down whatever distractions might be at
hand and look at the speaker. A child knows when they have
your attention.
Do not think ahead.
It is often too easy to do. Our minds work faster than our
speech, but slow it down. Watch and listen. Children may
need longer to express themselves or they may not even say
what the adult anticipated.
Do not finish a
sentence, unless it is yours. Too often, the adult
will try to finish a sentence or a thought for a child.
Remember the child needs the practice. Besides, do you
enjoy when someone finishes your sentences? Does that ever
get annoying?
Ask questions.
Help clarification of the issue and of the speaker's
feelings, or wants, by asking questions. Try not to state
any information or comments until the speaker is finished
with what they have to say. Then draw a conclusion.
Reflect information
back to the speaker. Foster listening skills and your
child's by reflecting back the information that was just
shared. "It sounds as if you are uncomfortable with
me coming into the school at drop off." Restating and
rephrasing information can help not only the speaker, but
also the listener to get a true grasp of the emotions that
might be behind certain statements.
Watch their behavior
and yours. What is the child doing when they are
talking to you? Is there more going on here than meets the
eye? Are hands swinging or feet tapping? (My mother in
later years told me she could tell I was upset when I
unconsciously tapped my foot.)
What types of body
movements do you have when listening and the subject
becomes emotional. Will it inhibit the conversation
further? What type of posturing do you have when you are
angry? How will the child be able to completely express
him or herself, knowing you have already stopped
listening? (I knew the conversation was over after my
father put down his newspaper.) Practice a neutral posture
when listening to your child. Help the speaker to do the
same, and to develop appropriate vocabulary in expressing
him or herself.
A parent is the most
influential person in a child's life. With today's
distractions, it is often too easy to miss important
information by being ready with a comeback, instead of
hearing what a child has to say. It is easier to nod, than
it is to turn off the cell phone. Do not let your child's
voice and opinion get lost. If they have taken the time
and energy to get your attention, it is important.
"Act as though someone is always
watching," said Baltasar Gracian in his book,
Worldly Wisdom. Do not be a model of disrespect for your
child. Give them the audience they need and deserve.
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