A Little Old Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a little old cave woman, who, in order to be in
this magazine, had quite a number of children. In order to have a story,
something has to happen, so the children got it into their heads one day
that they wanted to go to the beach. (Where do they get these ideas?) They
asked. They begged. They nagged, until the little old cave woman grew tired
from ignoring them.

"Didn’t you go to the beach as a child?" the older children inquired.

"Certainly not," said the little old cave mother. "When I was a child, we
did not have time for frivolities. We were much too busy walking uphill to
school and back every day, and doing chores and homework" -- here, she
sent forth a very nice glower from under her bushy brows, which the children
made a big show of not noticing, -- "to be nagging our parents to go to
any beaches."

"What is more," she said, loud enough to drown out the chatter that was
beginning again, "What is more, we would never dare to mention anything to
our parents more than once, when we knew perfectly well they heard us the
first time. We had respect."

"Oh, Mama," said the children. "You are so behind the times! Respect is a
thing of the past. Today’s parents love to show their children a good time.
Everybody knows that!"

"Do they, now?" said the little old cave mother. But even though she spoke
with conviction, her heart said otherwise.

"You must be getting old," said this heart. "You had better make yourself
some wrinkle cream at once, for oldness is a great shame for a woman," said
this heart. "And by the way, have you seen any good movies lately?"

"Be silent!" cried the little old cave woman. But hearts, like children, are
not easily silenced.

"Ha!" said this heart. "You don’t even know what a movie is, do you? You  
you? You don't know the things you need to know in this world, and you’re 
going to die an old maid," said this heart.

It did not matter that the little old woman’s heart spoke nonsense. Hearts
do not have to make sense now, and they did not have to make sense then.
"Furthermore," said this heart, "your children will grow up to be criminals
and lazy no-accounts if you don’t keep up with the times."

All this left the little old cave woman more tired than ever, and she began
to think it would be less trouble to listen to the children talk about the
beach, than to hear this heart go on and on and on and on and on and on and
on in this manner.

"All right, children," she said, "come here and tell me all about this
beach."

Oh, the children were excited! they all talked at once, and it took a long
time for the little old cave woman to piece the story together.
It seems the beach was a large expanse of something called sand, which in
those days was very rough and scrapey, and very hard work to walk around on.
It was very good for getting inside people’s clothes and also their food, so
that they would cry and complain, as all children love to do.

The sand was all around and about, as far as the eye could see, except on
one side. On that side, there was a very large lake, and this large lake was
all full of water. What is more, this water was very salty, and also very
busy. It moved all the time, back and forth, back and forth, like someone
throwing a ball uphill, and sometimes when it moved back, some children
moved with it, and that was the last anyone ever saw of these children. The
little old cave woman found this news alarming, but her children assured her
that she had nothing to worry about. Although they must play right next to
the water in order to build sand castles or something, as all    
children must do, they would certainly be very safe and in no    
danger. The little old cave mother was worrying needlessly, and .    
must get over it.  

After all, they said, they had not been sucked into the lake yet, had they?

Of course, the children said, only children who were no longer babies must
 be permitted near the lake where the sand was wet, because babies did not
 know how to do anything but mess up other people’s sand-somethings, and in
 fact were so dumb that they would eat the sand by handfuls until they died.
 The little old cave mother could prevent her babies from eating sand until
 they died, simply by holding onto their hands at all times, the children
 said. It would keep her busy, and for that reason, she would not be bored
 What could she say to that? The little old cave woman put a muzzle on her
  heart, and also on each of the children, for three full days, while she
  considered this proposition. At the end of that time, she knew just what to
  say, and what to do.

"There is something to be said," said the little old cave woman to her
 children, "for being behind the times."

"Does that mean yes, or no?" the children asked.

"It means no," said the little old cave woman.

"But-- But--" said the children.

"Get over it," said the little old cave woman.

And -- she -- did.