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  Part
I
After
years of seeking out and promoting equality for the sexes,
it has become apparent in our societies that many of the
"differences" we have cast aside in this
controversy have little to do with equality.
They are – just as the word implies – merely
differences. In
the same way that a child born in China would fare easier
if people communicated with him in Chinese, many of the
keys for understanding and raising up boys and girls would
be more successful if we
(as parents, educators, and other professionals
involved in the care and nurturing of children) would not
only acknowledge but address the differences
between boys and girls.
Our
philosophies have been distracted by the relatively few
issues that caused these original controversies in the
first place. Fair
labor laws, equal pay, the right to vote, etc., have been
legitimate "snags" in modern society that –
without question – needed fixing.
But that doesn't change the fact that boys are
"made up" differently than girls, and that the
process of growing up can be more successful when we
address these differences instead of ignore them. In his acclaimed book, THE MEN THEY WILL BECOME: The
Nature and Nurture of Male Character” (Perseus
Books, 1999), Dr. Newberger does just that. 
In down-to-earth language and many interesting case
studies, he provides not only explanations of the male
character, but ways in which parents can better meet the
needs of raising up strong men who will be able to cope in
our modern times. In
this exclusive profile series for Child Care Magazine, Dr.
Newberger has not only agreed to share his knowledge and
discoveries, but also to address many of the concerns that
our readers have for their own children, today. So, settle back and enjoy the next few weeks as we get to
know this "many faceted" man who has gone much
farther than just doing his job at the Boston Children's
Hospital at Harvard. He set out to make a difference in our world… and he's
doing it.
The
Road to Boston
Eli
Newberger has loved music ever since he can remember.
At the age of five, a music teacher informed his
mother that he had a talent that should be encouraged, and
she provided him with a Steinway. The teacher was right. Eli
not only became accomplished at the piano but the tuba, as
well, and he went on to earn money for college during his
teen years by performing as a jazz pianist in local
establishments. He
attended the famed Juilliard, and played with the New
Haven Symphony, as a classical tubaist, for eight years.
His future seemed pretty much set, but he also
wanted to serve people directly in some way…
"I
backed into medicine as an undergraduate at Yale. If I’d
continued as a tuba player beyond the New Haven Symphony,
I’d have ended up counting rests in an orchestra brass
section. I never intended to leave music, but I could
never have anticipated how my music major, and especially
a music theory project on the evolution of jazz piano,
would come to influence my choice of specialty and drive
my medical career… In 1966, when I graduated from
medical school… Feeling adventurous, and fascinated by
the origins of jazz, I put in for a post in
Africa…"
Dr. Newberger and his
wife, Carolyn (a clinical and developmental psychologist),
joined the Peace Corps and left for Africa, with their
five-week-old daughter.
Looking back on it, the Doctor admits they may have
been overly optimistic about the medical perils to infants
in Africa, because the tropical diseases can be
devastating. But he and his wife certainly knew the basics
of preventive pediatrics.
"If a baby is well nourished, takes only boiled and
filtered water and a weekly anti-malarial pill, and is
kept clean and hydrated in the heat, most serious tropical
illness can be prevented."
Besides that, their house in Ouagadougou (a town in rural
West
 Africa)
doubled as the Peace Corps infirmary, with hot and cold
running water and a couple of air conditioners.
Carolyn has always loved people, and they still
mark those two years as among the happiest -- and
influential -- of their lives.
And their daughter turned out to be a passport of
the most wonderful kind.
Wherever they went with her (which was everywhere)
people reached out to hold her, and she loved every moment
of the experience.
Africa offered another
significant influence on Dr. Newberger's future, because
it was there that he met Ezra Elian, an eminent Israeli pediatric professor, sent as
part of an aid program, who invited him to come on his
rounds at the Ouagadougou Hospital whenever he was free.
Dr. Newberger found him to be"… a
splendid teacher, and a man of warmth, great intelligence,
and integrity."
Dr. Elian had done a year's fellowship in the
United States, at the Boston Children's Hospital, and
encouraged him to apply for a residency there.
And he did.
During his residency,
Dr. Newberger became impressed by the many unmet needs of
abused and neglected children and their families, and the
seemingly inadequate responses of the health and child
welfare systems. This
led him to organize the Boston Children's Hospital's first
child abuse consultation unit.
Since then, he has been influential in drawing
attention to the underlying environmental circumstances
that contribute to the mistreatment of children. Through
his research and practice, he has derived a philosophy
that focuses on the strength and resilience
of parent/child relationships, instead of blame and
punishment.
According to Dr.
Newberger, strength, resiliency, and a respect for others,
are the building blocks of character.
Coupled with patience and tenacity from parents,
these things can "…greatly influence the
character of boys so that they have every opportunity to
become admirable men."
In his book, Dr. Newberger points out many of the
differences – both physically and developmentally –
between girls and boys, and the many benefits to
understanding the specific temperaments of individual
children.
We have all marveled
at how children born of the same biological parents and
raised in the same home can be so vastly different from
each other. Or,
why reasoning works so well in correcting one child, but
not with another. Should
all boys participate in sports?
How much TV is "too much?"
How can we possibly protect our children from
violence when the average child witnesses thousands of
graphic murders in a single year on the screen? What
exactly is temperament, and how can we tell what kind our
children have?
The following
questions can help you take a closer look at your child's
temperament:
1.
Activity Level. How intense is his activity,
and what is the proportion of active to inactive periods
in his day?
2.
Regularity. How predictable or unpredictable
is he in the timing of basic biological functions such as
eating and sleeping?
3.
Approach or Withdrawal. How does he react initially to new situations?
4.
Adaptability.
How does he respond over time to new or altered
situations?
5.
Sensory Threshold.
How much stimulus does he need before he responds?
6.
Mood. How
pleasant and friendly, or unfriendly, is he?
7.
Intensity of Reaction.
How energetic is his response, positively or
negatively?
8.
Distractibility.
How easily does a new stimulus interfere with
ongoing activity?
9.
Persistence and Attention Span.
Does he continue activities in the face of
obstacles? How
long will he pursue an activity before abandoning it?
Though parents should
be careful not to overly stress any single aspect of these
things, a look at the overall results can help in
understanding the best ways to deal with certain types of
children. And
once again, we see that it is much easier to appeal to
human nature rather than go against it.
According to this study, answers to the above
questions can reveal three types of temperaments: the
"easy" child (outgoing, cooperative, focused);
the "difficult" child; and the
"slow-to-warm-up" child.
But
being aware of your child's temperament works more like a
road map rather than a car.
That's because parents have temperaments, too.
And they don't always "line up" with
their children's. If,
as Dr. Newberger says, the secret to successful parenting
lies in relationship as opposed to methods, then we are
still missing one vital element in order to make the trip
down the road to more successful parenting.
We've got the map, we've got the car…what we need
now is something to drive it. Which leads us to the most
basic of human relationships.
And
that's the emotions.
So,
join us next week, when we see how Dr. Newberger
discovered something in his own life that proved to be a
key that would unlock the secrets of the powerful emotions
between parent and child. A key that will work for anybody
who chooses to use it. Why?
Because
that's human nature.
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