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By:  D. Ann Graham

Part II

A successful life – according to popular opinion – is one that has more good experiences than bad ones. Yet, it is still one of the greatest mysteries of humanity that no one can tell us exactly how to bring that kind of success about.    What's more, none of us seem to be dealt only good or bad experiences, but begin early on to collect a mixture of both: no matter where we come from or who our parents are.  And about the only thing we can be absolutely sure of, is that everybody experiences life, first hand. That's the way of it, whether you are rich or poor, male or female, from this country or that one.

That's Life.

But we can pass things on.  Which is what we – as humans – do.  The thing is, it's just as easy to pass along the bad as the good, which tends to complicate matters even more.  The majority of people end up dealing with life the way their parents did -- or didn't -- based on their own particular experiences.  A smaller group will set out to find answers beyond their personal limitations, and in doing so, end up expanding their own boundaries in the process.  Anyone that "reaches out" in this way, will eventually make the discovery that it is possible to tap into the knowledge of others, and actually alter the outcome of their own life by the influence of someone else's experience.  This is an amazing thing. 

It isn't the same as simply watching or hearing about something that happens to someone else.  In order for this kind of "transfer" to take place, receiving lines have to be wide open, and a "connection" has to be made.  In a way, it is similar to a car sitting in a parking lot while others drive by. Until someone actually gets in that particular car, turns on the ignition, and drives, it will remain in the parking lot.  It makes little difference if the tank is half empty, or full.  If the car is an old model, or a new one.  It doesn't even make any difference who drives it.  The fundamentals of driving state that there has to be a connection in order to have a transfer of energy, and that's what makes everything work.  It's the same way with people.  If you want to get – or give – any transfer of knowledge… there has to be a connection.

Making the Connection 

There are many ways to make a connection.  For Eli Newberger, the strongest connections came to him first through music.  From a very early age, it moved him, soothed, inspired, and even excited him… he found energy there, and current.  But what exactly was it that he was connecting to?  It is said that music is one of the swiftest vehicles of human emotion, and in the study of jazz, Eli discovered a unique phenomenon.  

Jazz celebrated the wide range of human life with a perfection of group improvisational skill that seemed to be unmatched in other forms of music. And although it rewarded individual expression, it also demanded selfless collaboration, in order to produce that famous magic that was "rich in tradition, old rules… but brand new every night." 

"I became interested in the individual players and the deeply humane qualities of working toward a more just and honest world that are at the root of fine jazz performance… The ensemble is rich, thick, warm, and lively, with distinctive, familiar voices.  I am always surprised by how wonderful it sounds… I sense that my feelings are also felt by others, by band members as well as the audience .The music elicits feelings that relate to life experiences: joy, sadness, pride, love… contact with the audience is vital to this music… I see that what I'm feeling is real. Before me are tears, rapt expressions, faces full of love. Here, injustice does not prevail, there is a sadness but not misery, and every moment of improvisation carries with it a prospect of redemption.  Indeed, 'mistakes' in jazz improvisation become platforms for new ideas, not catastrophes that destroy lives." 

Dr. Newberger is convinced that without music, he could not have pursued his specialty within pediatrics.  A specialty that required a sensitive, compassionate man to peer into the worst miseries of people's lives.  The Boston Children's Hospital dealt with hundreds of cases of suspected child abuse or neglect, and defining how to help without harming, was "…an ambiguous and confusing process."  How can one explain abuse, failure to thrive, accidents, and poisonings in preschoolers?  The only answer for "mistakes" of such magnitude seemed to lie in simply finding a way of prevention to keep future mistakes from happening.  And yet, if mistakes could be a platform for new ideas expressed in one form of the human condition, then why not in another… 

"I proposed an investigation that would reclassify the problem of child abuse among the social illnesses of childhood… and established one of the first out patient clinics for abused and neglected children in the United States." 

Staffed by an interdisciplinary group of researchers and clinicians, the project encompassed a child abuse consultation team, a clinic, and a family advocacy program. And for over twenty years, it has continued to push the family violence field forward in many practical areas. By drawing attention to the confining nature of prevailing conceptions, and promoting the greater utility of a perspective that focuses on family and social stresses, it has proven many times over, the value of new approaches to understanding the problems of parents and children.  Approaches that include putting a high priority on relationships, communication, and making connections that reinforce the strength and resiliency between parent and child.  

But exactly how does one go about making such connections?  Suppose you know your children inside and out (as most parents who spend any amount of time with their children do), but the knowledge has given you little clue as to how to deal more effectively with them.  Do you often find yourself dealing with the same issues over and over, wondering if the present "stage" you're in will ever end, or if the next one might prove even worse? How do you handle those moments of sudden crisis when there is no time to think things through beforehand? 

Webster's dictionary defines the word relationship as "a connection, association, or involvement between people."  In order to connect, one must touch.  And in order to touch, one must first bring two separate entities together.  Often, the missing link between parent and child lies in not understanding ourselves as well as we understand our children.  Dr. Newberger is not alone in these findings.  He agrees with his wife, Carolyn, of whom he remarks that, "As much as I love her as my spouse, I'm dazzled by her brilliance and depth as a research and clinical child psychologist."  Dr. Carolyn Moore Newberger,  (assistant clinical professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, and a senior psychologist at Boston's Children's Hospital) suggests that there are four levels of parental awareness that parents may realize in relationships with their children. These are: 

Level One: Me First  "At this level an adult is aware of a child only through the lens of his or her own adult needs." The messes they have to clean up, the sleep they lose over a fretful infant, the loss of respect an unruly teen can bring them in the community, etc.  "A parent functioning at Level One isn't a bad person; but rather a parent with a very limited appreciation of the child's world… and therefore has a somewhat limited grasp of the opportunities of parenthood." 

Level Two: Follow the Rules  "Those on Level Two apply to child care a set of rules and traditions that they themselves believe in…The standards are not tailored to the individuality of any child; they are rules that the parents believe all children and caregivers should be governed by." A Level Two parent will not temper these rules by a regard for individual personalities, because "… the central idea at Level Two is that there are hard and fast rules that tell us what makes a good parent and what makes a good child." 

Level Three: We Are Individuals  "At Level Three, an adult can move beyond the self-perspective of Level One and the manual of Level Two, and view each child with individual needs and potential." A Level Three parent perceives and anticipates the needs or weaknesses of each individual child and accommodates for them. 

Level Four: Living and Growing Together  "A Level Four parent has the same regard for the individuality of a child as Level Three.  But … the adult sees that he or she and the child are in a mutual and reciprocal relationship that continually develops and changes." These parents will "draw on the advice of grandma or of a particular child-care authority, but will evaluate advice and rules form that authority in relation to the needs of their own child." 

Having an understanding of what others are experiencing, and then going one step further and being able to share that same experience with others, is the secret to making vital connections.  It's what keeps us "in tune and in touch" with not only our children, but with the rest of humanity.  Why should we strive to "connect" with others?  Because without such connections, a person grows distant and unresponsive to those around him.  Without such connections, we could very well miss what everyone comes to realize at the end of life… that it was the people, not the things; the children, not the home; and the participation, more than the accomplishment… that truly mattered in life. 

By opening himself up to music, Eli Newberger found himself opening up to others.  In opening up to others, he suddenly found himself "connecting"… and there was untold gratification in that.  Connecting not only made him a better musician, but a better physician, as well. But there was also something else that happened while he was at it…

"…the most important gratification that derives from my life as both a physician and musician comes form the privileged access to profound aspects of the human experience… it makes me a more complete person and a better physician… it keeps me in touch with the emotional underpinnings of life.  It enables me to care."

But with that caring, came the unexpected.  And at a time when the road ahead seemed so clear and open, a new storm began to brew.   A storm much bigger than just one man.  How does a person deal with the things they cannot prepare for?  How do they get out from under things that have oppressed common humanity for generations? 

Join us next week, as we continue our profile of Dr. Eli Newberger: The Man Who Makes A Difference.

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