Part III

 An emotional connection always produces a response.  It can be good or bad, depending on the circumstance, but if you've made contact, you're going to get a response one way or the other.  But then what?  What follows is an "open line" to the heart of human nature.  It's where behavior is born, where relationships are nurtured or crushed, and where choices are made… for better, or for worse.  It is where true learning takes place.

 Like an open circuit, information flows fast and free, unhindered – for the moment -- by outside forces, because this most potent of all communication is an inside deal.  And – like a visit to someone's home – how you behave there determines whether or not you will be invited back, again.  You are given a wide open-chance here, to answer back with a response of your own.  Will you?  Or, will you walk away, like a burnt-out bulb that flashes bright for a moment only to give a resounding pop, and leave everyone in the dark, again.

 How will you handle your "response-ability"?

                                        Taking A Stand

 Dr. Newberger faced that same question when his work days as chief of the clinic at Boston's Children's Hospital, connected him to the sort of things no human being can face alone, or ever be prepared for... 

 "I observe and supervise interviews through a one-way mirror… children, parents, grandparents, and stepparents… examine and evaluate… share the pain and deal with the terror and trauma of children and women which involve heartrending conflicts over a child's custody in the face of frightening allegations… few of which turn out to be false."

After awhile, he began to see a much bigger task unfolding before him.  To merely patch up bruised and broken little bodies was not enough. To only separate children from danger was not enough.  To counsel and console and endorse programs for change and a better society was not enough. Something was incredibly wrong and out of sync with the way life is supposed to be: something that was happening over and over again, in too many homes in too many places…

 "From the darkened observation room, my colleagues and I often feel that we are peering into the worst miseries of people's lives… what it's like to be terrorized every day, to endure painful and humiliating assaults… and not be believed.   As five o'clock draws near, it often seems as if we've all been through the wringer: eyes glisten, jaws clench… we slump in our chairs…"

 One would assume that the only way to deal with such injustice and wrong-doing, would be to call the errant individuals to task and dole out punishments and enforced disciplines from stronger, more capable members of society.  And one would assume that the children themselves, who were so mercifully delivered from their oppressors, would turn from the darkness of such painful pasts and be determined for the rest of their lives to live better, seeking out better ways – and above all – dealing in better ways with others.

 But they don't.

 For all the doctors, lawyers, social workers, and funding; for all the programs and law reforms, and out-and-out government intervention in the most desperate situations – Dr. Newberger began to see that some of the very children it was all done for were, themselves, becoming the oppressors.  And what's more, the cycle was not only continuing but escalating, at even more alarming rates than before.  It was a staggering discovery.  But before he could quite recover from the impact of this new knowledge, an even bigger monster began to show its face…

  "For all our professionalism, we cannot avoid getting drawn into family dramas.  Inevitably, our findings displease someone, and we are subpoenaed to appear in court… subjected to crossfire… ridicule… It is always chastening to be abused for trying to protect the abused."

 Over the years, Dr. Newberger has done his share of testifying as expert witness in countless cases of child abuse and neglect.  Some of them quite famous, garnering the attention of the CBS News, magazines and newspapers, and such popular programs as 60 Minutes, and Dateline.  On several occasions, he has even gone so far as to demonstrate under oath, the force it would take to inflict the massive injuries that result from "Shaken Baby Syndrome"… an experience an observer never forgets. 

 But after twenty years of significant contributions through his work and research, in a field where the darkest problems of our society seem to perpetuate like a cancer instead of diminish; no one would blame Dr. Newberger for turning his attentions toward a more hopeful direction.  A place where more positive inroads could be made; especially by someone of such many-varied talents.  Who could have done more?  And how much more could be asked from someone who dealt day-in-and-day-out with the things most of us choose not to hear about, at all?  If we, ourselves, can "turn a blind eye" to the same sort of things that go on in our own neighborhoods – our own families – doesn't the good doctor deserve the same option?  Doesn't everyone?

 Just how far does one person's responsibility really go?

 The startling truth is, that the habits of parents are perpetuated in their children.  That's the bottom line.  And for a person to understand that single concept, "puts the ball in their court" – as a member of society -- and makes them responsible for either participating in the game, or striking out.  No one is held accountable for the mistakes that others make.  But it is the nature of humanity that every last one of us will "reap what we have sown" in our own lives.  Our only say in things is if we're going to plant a good crop or a bad one.  And the one redeeming hope of the matter is, that anyone – no matter who they are, rich or poor, or what kind of family they came from – can plant "good seed" if they so choose. 

 As much as Dr. Newberger found punishments and enforced discipline to be of little effect toward an overall change in society, he found the same to hold true in individual families.  He discovered that " inductive discipline" -- or, "discipline from within" – went amazingly farther toward changing behavior and developing admirable character, than simply maintaining control through a set of forced rules.  He saw that corporal punishment – no matter how noble the reason – was so humiliating and disrespectful to children as human beings, that it not only shut down positive emotional connections, it often fostered depression, and the perpetuation of violence as a means of problem-solving in later life.  What's more, he also found that the withdrawing of affection, or isolation by "groundings" or perpetual "time-outs," too often left children alone in the dark corridors of their own emotional turmoil, with no "guiding light" from a loving adult to explain things to them.

There are many ways of controlling and teaching discipline to our children.  But in his book, "The Men They Will Become" (Perseus Books 1999), Dr. Newberger suggests that you can get the job done with a much better and more lasting effect, if you do it " from the inside out."  That's what he calls inductive discipline, and here are some ways to apply it: 

¨      ALWAYS EXPLAIN .  One of the main goals of inductive discipline is to achieve understanding.  If parents will consistently explain their reasons as they deal with their child's behavior, the child will eventually come to understand the parent's principles. 

¨      PROTECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP .  Inductive discipline does not begin with the problem.  It begins with your love for your child, his attachment to you and his respect for you.  Never react to a behavioral problem in a way that undermines the message that -- above all else – you love your child, and are happy that you have them. 

¨      BE "SELF-DISCIPLINED" IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN .  Discipline is just as much a positive way of life, as it is a method for maintaining control by a set of rules.  Do you make your bed, brush your teeth, share and do for others, or anything else that contentment in life requires you to do?  If children perpetuate the habits of their parents… then be a good example. 

¨      DEAL RESPECTFULLY WITH FEELINGS .  Abiding by the rules can be frustrating, and it's important to distinguish feelings from behavior.  You can promote better understanding and cooperation without "giving-in" on important rules by making a point to acknowledge feelings, and suggesting other ways to handle things.  For example, "I know you are angry when Ben refuses to share his toys.  But you can't take away his truck just because you want to play with it.  Would you like to build a tower of blocks with me?"  

¨      PROVIDE A WAY BACK .  Making things right when you've done damage or caused hurt to somebody, allows a child to make amends – or pay – for his mistakes.  This promotes responsibility and brings everyone involved back to a good relationship, which is the main goal of inductive discipline, and the true learning ground of character.  

Dr. Newberger's proposed methods of inductive discipline suggests that if you "make the connection" before you make the demands that families and society require in order to live contented lives, the job of raising children will not only be easier, it will be more rewarding along the way.  If the road to a better world meanders through the yards of every individual, and the best methods for controlling the masses lie in fostering self-control in each person; then it suddenly becomes vitally important that we take a closer look at ourselves, and the things we are "handing out" to our very own children. 

Are we constantly saying one thing and then doing another?  Are we sending messages that it is all right to hurt others, sometimes, but not always?  That your love for them is based on how good they behave, or how often they live up to your expectations?  Do we constantly make emotional connections and then walk away, leaving our children to sort life out by themselves because more important things like making a living and paying the bills are wearing us down too much to deal with another confrontation? Isn't everybody entitled to at least a little peace in their own homes, after all, and a little break – however brief – from the weighty cares of the world? 

And just exactly how much responsibility is a single individual supposed to carry? 

Join us, again, next week, when we see how Dr. Newberger handled these very same questions, himself, and shares with us some of the vital truths that can not only make a difference in our own relationships with our children… they could very well make a difference in the world.