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Suck it
Up
My son wrote a paper for school. An essay, I
think these are called. Want to see it? OK, then. Here you go.
Blood Transfusions
Sometimes, people bleed. This is no big deal, unless
they bleed a lot. If they bleed a lot, they get all thin like a piece of
paper, and you can’t stand up if you are that thin. If you want to check if
this is true, you can cut out a picture from a magazine or something. See?
It will not stand up. Well, if a person bleeds that much, they have to have
some blood put back in, or else they will not be able to stand up ever
again. Where will you get that blood?
One thing is for sure. You will not be able to use the
same blood that came out of the person. Why? Because that blood is messed
up. Blood is no good when it has been splattered all over the place. It gets
all full of cat hairs and dog hairs and rocks and things, and you cannot get
all of it out no matter how hard you try. There is no doubt about it. You
need fresh blood.
 There
are two types of blood: red, and blue. When you put blood into a person, it
has to be the same type they have already. If it is not the same type, the
person’s body will reject it and they will die a horrible death. It is
better if a person dies while they are all thinned out from not having any
blood, because they will not need as much room to bury them. If they get
wrong blood, they will be round, but dead, and will have to have a full
space. Bloodless people can be stacked up in the same space, like plates.
You can also fold them up. So you can see it is better to not give them any
blood than to give them wrong blood.
Red-blooded people have more blood in them than blue-blooded people do. Both
types can donate blood at the Blood Bank. Blood banks always have more red
blood than blue blood, which is fine, because red-blooded people need more
blood when they get hurt or something. Blue-blooded people bleed at the same
rate as red-blooded people, so they get flat faster. That is why they have
to get to the hospital faster, and get into the blood-transfusion room
first. When people get blood put into them, it is called a blood
transfusion, and that is what this report is about.
Donating blood is a very good thing to do, but not very much fun. First,
they have to stick you in your finger to find out what type of blood you
have. Then, they stab a small hole in your arm, so the blood can come out.
Then, they stick a tube in the hole and suck the blood out with a vacuum
cleaner. This is not a regular vacuum cleaner like you use at home. That
would just make a big mess. They use a vacuum cleaner with a very skinny
tube, and the blood goes into a jar at the other end. Don’t worry. The jar
is always washed very clean. They wash it again after they put that blood
into somebody, so it will be clean for the next blood.
A
person can give blood every once in awhile. Maybe once a month or so. After
people give blood, they get to have some cookies. They keep the cookies by
the exit, so the people will not just eat the cookies and leave without
donating any blood.
By a
couple of weeks, a person will grow new blood. If that did not happen,
everybody who donates blood would be flattened out, and that would be the
end of them, no matter what type of blood they have.
Way
back in Bible times, nobody ever donated blood except by getting their head
cut off. That was not the same as what I am talking about, because you
cannot grow new blood without a head. You cannot live without a head,
either, so nobody ever volunteered to have their head cut off. Sometimes,
they got their head cut off anyway, though.
I
mention the Bible here, because Jesus is in the Bible, and that is where you
can find the first blood donating on purpose. Here is what happened.
 A
guy named Lazarus fell off his horse and got hurt real bad. Jesus loved this
guy so much that he cried to see him all flat and not able to stand up, and
even maybe dead. So some other guys poked a hole in Jesus, but not in the
arm. Then they put some blood into Lazarus, but it did not work. Pretty
soon, they decided to stop, or Jesus would die. They put a bandage around
his ribs very tight, and he recovered.
Scientists today think that Jesus was a special case. He had a very rare
type of blood, which is both red and blue. This type is so rare that nobody
else has ever had that type. Scientists disagree about what that means. Some
think that it would kill you no matter which type of blood you have. Others
think it would save you either way. They have never been able to find out,
because they cannot find anybody else to experiment with. They are looking
all the time for somebody with blood like that. If they ever find one, I
sure hope it is not me, because that person’s life will not be any fun,
that’s for sure.
I
have to say his attitude toward research is improving, and so is my life.
This one he did not make up. Instead, he interviewed me, and took notes.
Very good notes. Maybe he’ll grow up to be a reporter, but I don’t know. You
have to go to college to learn how to quote several people in one article
and make them all sound stupid.
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Note: This is a humor column and statements here do not necessarily mean that they are the views and or opinions of the Editor's or the magazine. The information here is presented for entertainment
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