First Crush

 And, so it begins, the long dance of finding "the one". The dance itself is admittedly wonderful. But, those moments when he is gutting himself up to ask someone for a spin around the floor, or harder yet, when someone turns him down are the moments that I am dreading. I never dealt with heartache very well, myself, and that was me - now we are talking about my baby. Truly, I was at a loss as to how to react to this new challenge of conveying my values while still respecting his budding sense of self. So, a-hunting for information I went, and what I found mostly, is that I am not alone. And, that there are truly some good strategies for helping your preteen through this and the next, and the next, and the next, love of his or her life.

First, it is important to remember that boys and girls react differently to this momentous time. Girls will have a tendency to discuss their feelings with their friends, as well as with their moms. Boys, on the other hand, have a hard time figuring out their feelings, much less communicating them to anyone. Girls typically are more intense about relationships in general, which is why they are friends with someone in the morning, mortal enemies at lunch, and friends for life at dinner with the same person. Boys, are more cautious about being teased by their friends, and so tend to keep things to themselves.

As parents, the most important thing we need to do, is keep the lines of communication open. Be wary of making comments that can shut down conversations or lead to hurt feelings. Even though we know that this is not the person that they will be with forever, this is not the time to say it. The worst thing that we can do during this time is say something that would cause our child to no longer confide is us. It is these same relationships that, just a few years from now, will be full of sexual tensions, and therefore major, potentially life changing, decisions are at stake. Now, no matter how tempting it may be (and I am a wisecracker myself), is not the time to make even the most well meaning jokes.

In addition, try to pick up on your child's conversation cues. Such as, if he mentions that he likes someone, ask what about that person he likes. Also, watch out for self esteem issues. For instance, if your child mentions that someone won't like her because she is too tall or because he is a "nerd", take this opportunity to let your child know that who we like is never based on one particular trait. And, really watch out if you see your child attempting to become what he or she thinks another person wants him or her to be. Giving up who they are in the effort to be attractive to someone else could be a sign of danger down the road when greater peer pressures come into play.

Tell your child your crush stories, and try to remember what it was really like when you were in that state - the butterflies at lunch, the passed notes, the accidentally "bumping" into someone in the hall, the whispers among friends, and the trauma of losing your first love. Just telling him your experience lets him know that you understand, and can help him feel comfortable enough to ask questions. And, as I sit here, and think about my first crush for the first time in years, I truly do understand where he is at, and I couldn't be more excited for him!