Discipline and Toddlerhood?

Before I begin, I would like to note that despite its negative connotation, the word discipline actually means to teach by instruction; to teach self control. That said, I, personally have always taken the word to mean punishment in the effort to discourage the continuance of negative behaviors. How did I take something that has the potential to be so positive, and turn it into something that makes me feel like the Wicked Witch of the West? I don't know, but you would think with all of those Sunday School lessons discussing "disciples", I would have picked up on the connection.

However, I did finally get it when I was reading a recent article about then and now by Dr. Brazelton. He simply mentioned the misnomer in passing, and I was floored! My whole concept of my parental efforts took a shift, and I decided to make some changes, and try to view discipline as a positive learning experience instead of negative deterrent. Obviously, in the heat of the moment, when your toddler is going for the stairs, the television set, the back door, etc. for the umpteenth time today, it is hard to take that step back. But, as hard as it is (and none of us will ever be perfect), it is important that we do our best to try to back off because we are laying the groundwork for the future. And, if they view discipline in a negative manner from this very young age, will they be able to truly derive the lessons that we hope to teach them later on?

Remember when you were a kid, and somebody, a teacher or a parent, asked you if you had learned your lesson? Turns out, they actually meant what they were saying, even if they didn't know it at the time. What I remember thinking in response to that question had less to do with the offense, and more to do with not making people angry with me. That is a shame because truthfully, we are trying to teach our children what to do, not what not to do.

So here are a few techniques for effectively disciplining your toddler: First, in the beginning, take time outs together. This reinforces the idea that it is more of a time to gain composure and redirect, than it is rejection of a specific behavior. Next, when your child is ready for a more formal time out, explain to him that if he acts in a way that mommy or daddy think is not good, then a time out will be called so that he can calm down and start over. It also may help to act this out with a doll or a stuffed animal.

Be flexible about where and how long the time out should be. Maybe sitting quietly where they are is better than having to drag them to "the chair", and starting a battle of wills. Keep the goal in mind, and don't focus too intently on how you get there. Also, the one minute per year rule shouldn't be used until after your child's third birthday. Try to save time outs for acts of willful disobedience, so that you don't feel exhausted from trying to monitor time out all day long. Make certain that you can see your child's time out spot, but don't interact with them - truly let them regroup.

Tantrums are a totally different situation than a willful act of defiance, and time outs generally do not work well in deterring them - it actually may just make the whole thing worse. And, if for some reason a chase ensues when a time out is called, try holding your child in your lap for the desired amount of time, and resist showing frustration or anger; a calm attitude will best help them calm down.

Certainly these suggestions are not exhaustive by any stretch of the imagination, but they are a good beginning. The Internet is a wonderful tool, and you can usually find other parents with similar issues, and if you're lucky - solutions to go with them! All in all, toddlerhood is a trying time for both parents and children. Their natural instincts tell them to explore and test everything right now, and as parents we are trying to teach them to be safe and to have self control - clearly two different agendas. Toddlerhood, while trying, is also a time of magical wonderment and learning that should be savored instead of resisted. To quote my own toddler's wonderment catch phrase, "wow, cool!"