Night Time Child Care - Home Based Care

By:   Jeff Stimpson

My baby Alex is out of the hospital, but my wife Jill and I haven't escaped nurses. We have several home care people involved in our life now, including Nurses, Therapists, and Home-Equipment Guys From Long Island. Many times Alex has been in the clutches of a home care somebody, and lifted his brow and seemed to ask, "Daddy, why don't you just hit these guys?!"

Because, Alex, they are in our home to care for you by:

-leaving Pepsi cans under chairs;

-asking that we please not drain oxygen tanks so fast;

-flooding under the kitchen sink;

-losing our doctors' orders;

-snapping the legs off furniture;

-rearranging your bedroom and later complaining to their boss that there was "nowhere to put their feet up" in our house.

Home care is the jungle floor of health care.

Our first night tells me we've stepped in some muck. We have Alex on an oxygen concentrator, which turns room air into pure oxygen and which no one informed us draws the same electricity as a third of an air conditioner. It being the hottest July in New York history, we also have two air conditioners running. By 11 a.m. the circuit breakers trip, and we have to put Alex on E size tanks to get through the night. In the morning, we'll get a big tank or get the electricity straightened out. An E tank should last Alex through the night. Jill and I go to bed.

"Good night," the nurse says.

At 3 a.m. she taps on our door. The E tank is almost empty, and she doesn't know how to change the flow gage.

Nothing wrong with that. There was a time in my life, though I can't remember it now, when I didn't know how to change the flow gauge on a tank of oxygen. But it's two months later now, we still have that nurse, and I'll bet $20 she doesn't know how to change a flow gauge.

We've whittled the nursing from 24 hours, to 12, to eight. I stay up to let the nurse in, and Jill gets up in the morning to let her out. Often the nurse will come through the door and say something, "Hello, good night." One of the more enormous nurses used to screech in Alex's face, though she did also teach him to clap. She walked in bare feet and left a broadening smudge of black footprints on our bathroom floor. "Letting me look at her painted toenails," noted Jill. We never liked having a nurse during the day. Overnight nursing allowed us to sleep. Alex sleeps like a professional baby, lips parted, one arm nestling a stuffed bull and the other, numb to this world, crooked like a lone tree on a prairie. His stats hover around 99 and now and then he'll flip over, lips smick-smicking, seeking another binkie. Jill and I need the nursing.

"You know, I just peeked in there," Jill said to me, climbing into bed one night. "The nurse was snoring."

As if drilling us for the evening when Jill and I can make it through a night without listening for a nurse's snore, the overnight people sometimes don't show. This has happened five times in eight weeks, often on a weekend. The agency usually doesn't call, and when they do it's usually to explain that weekends in the summer are tough and it's tough to find help these days. Lately our case has disintegrated faster: Five nights out of the past 12. Last night we got a call at 9:30 to say our nurse wouldn't be there at 11 o'clock, though the agency "had calls out" for a replacement. The next day we heard she had a car accident. She's all right. She fell asleep at the wheel. She was the one with the tank that first night.

I called around to find another nursing agency.

"Well, 33% coverage by the parents is the industry standard," said one place. I said that nobody ever told me that.

"Of course they didn't," was the reply.

Of course. And our home-oxygen company makes me feel like a bedroom-window busybody who phones the cops too often.

"Yes, Mr. Stimpson?" says our rep, a Long Island guy who expected to make more money out of a job that instead gets him phoned at 4 in the morning. He's a young parent. I think young parents look at Alex and his cannula and the undergrowth-green oxygen tank and say to themselves one of two things: "Poor guy. Can I help?" or "Thank Christ that's not my kid." I haven't had much luck in life with people from Long Island, I think perhaps, like my rep, they seem to invariably go for the "Thank Christ" option. Then again, Jill and I have both yelled at this guy, like the time he called to say he was taking away the reserve tank of liquid oxygen.

"But don't freak out, don't freak out! I'm bringing you an H tank." An H tank of oxygen looks like the torpedo Humphrey Bogart stuck out the bow of "The African Queen."

Since I promised not to use names, let's say I screamed, "Long Island Guy! Listen to me! You are not coming to take that tank, or if you do you're bringing a replacement! It's what we want and you have one and our insurance says we can have it!"

Long Island Guy folds if you yell at him over the phone. "Okay, okay," he panted. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just been a lousy week ..."

Most of these people keep claiming they know what a lousy week is. "Been a rough one," said the guy who was going to be late getting us the feeding tubes to ram into Alex's tummy. "It's very, very hard, but we all have to work together," said the service coordinator who let a month drag on without therapy for Alex.

Social work crawls with people who fulfill the same role as literary agents. Nobody grows up saying they want to be a literary agent; they grow up saying they want to be a novelist. Nobody grows up saying they want to be the social worker who arranges for social workers to actually come to your house and work with your baby. Because of one of these literary agents of the social work, Alex is without any therapy until almost Labor Day. They claim they haven't got the faxes from the doctors. I've conversed with the doctors and I've tried to converse with these people, and I know who lost the faxes.

Eventually, therapists begin showing up. One is a middle-aged guy with salt-and-pepper hair who keeps calling Alex "delicious." Pretty soon he has Alex stretching and watching soap bubbles float across our hardwood floors. Teacher dangles plastic links in front of Alex, who snatches them. "Oh, he tracks better," teacher said. "He's looking up and processing the information a lot faster in just this past week." Another therapist also had a good word: "I owe Alex some time," she said. She's the first medical professional to say that.

Jill and I aren't happy Alex needs any kind of therapy. We're trying to help him catch up. I've taught him how to give me five. He helps me play golf on the computer. I tickle him and make noises like a strafing fighter plane. When he has a cold, I make a game out of picking his nose with a Q-tip.

"Hey Alex," I say, "Wanna hear your first pun? 'When you think it's butter but it's SNOT'! ... ".

Obviously, I'm not a trained home care professional.
 

Question & Answer Weekly Column

By:   Ed Kemper

Welcome back, readers, from what I hope was a safe and fun 4th of July.
I've recently been added to the writers here at Child Care Magazine and I
welcome the chance to answer any of your questions or listen to any of your
pearls of parental wisdom.

The only real change here at the Q&A Column is me. You'll still send your
questions and tips to QandA.CCMagazine@Eudoramail.com. I may be stepping
into Heather's shoes, but never fear, I'm going to strive for the same great
content she maintained as well as the inclusion of links for you to get even
more great information about what concerns you. I look forward to hearing
from you.


Q. I have some friends who constantly hound me about how I raise my child. I
don't feed him right, play with him enough, discipline him too much one day,
discipline him too little the next. I can't take it anymore. I love my son
and I listen to the doctors, my mom (who raised 6 children,) child care
magazines, plus I read articles on the 'net. Everything I see tells me I do
the right thing, normally. Of course, nobody is perfect. I think I'm a good
mom and I try my best. What should I do?

A. Take a good look at your parenting skills. Like you said, nobody is
perfect. But you sound like you take care of your child and really put the
effort into being a good parent. Be honest with yourself. Don't be
overcritical, either. Then determine whether they are showing true concern,
or being ignorant. The operative word was "friends." A friend might mention
a concern quietly to you; they won't be rude and ignorant about it. They
also won't tell everyone they meet that you're a lousy parent. If they do,
get new friends. I've had this happen to me several times. The funny thing
is, I never received a complaint from another parent. Everyone who moaned
and complained had no kids, no or little child raising experience, nothing,
nada, zilch. So the question I normally ask is - "And where are your
children?"

If you do have doubts about your parental skills, you might try
http://family.go.com to compare your skills with what they say. This web
site is part of Disney, and includes some great stuff for parents.


Q. I've been trying to get my kids interested in books, but how can I try to
compete with TV and movies?

A. Pick up a book. Children learn by example. They also don't like to be
left out. If your child is young enough to read stories to before bed, then
do so. Don't worry about reading the same Dr. Seuss book 15 billion times.
You'll be overlooking that they are interested in a book! When your child
begins learning how-to-read, have them read to you as well. Not only does it
show your interest in what they're doing and accomplishing, it helps with
their verbal skills as well. It doesn't stop there, however. Let your
children see you reading for your own enjoyment. Believe it or not, this
usually rubs off. Don't forget to buy your child books. As you add to your
book collection, add to theirs. It will make them feel quite grown up, just
like Mommy or Daddy.

There is a page from the Department of Education concerning your child and
reading. It is at http://www.ed.gov/pubs/parents/Reading/Introduction.html
and contains some great advice. Start with page one and follow the links at
the bottom.

http://npin.org/library/pre1998/n00276/n00276.html is a great article on
your child's motivation with reading.

And just in case you get very successful with their reading program,
http://tech-two.mit.edu/Shakespeare is the complete plays of William
Shakespeare online. We can hope, can't we?


Q. My husband and I would like to go out to be by ourselves, no kids. Would
we be betraying our children?

A. Absolutely not. It's actually highly recommended for a parent to go out
on a periodic basis for some time alone, with a loved one, on a date, with a
friend, etc. This relieves a lot of the stress that builds up as a parent. I
once read an article that suggested couples go out once a week. The way I
handle it is slightly different. I try to go out once every week or two
without the kids. The kids don't care since every week I have a family
night. I'll get pizza or Chinese, or simply make a special dinner they like.
They understand that I'm giving them their night, and I can have my night.
It's a compromise. But I highly recommend you do spend "breathers" away from
your kids, even if it's 5 minutes at a time. Every parent needs and
deserves it.

http://www.parenting-qa.com/cgi-bin/detail/familyrelationships/marriageintimacy
offers some excellent advice for couples looking to date and continue their
romance after being parents.

http://family2.go.com/features/family_1998_02/chic/chic28dates/chic28dates.html
offers some insight on how to be busy parents and still date.

And for you single parents out there,
http://family2.go.com/features/family_1998_02/chic/chic28dates/chic28dates.html
offers some great advice for you.


Q. Every time I use the internet, I keep ending up in XXX sites. How do I
keep the internet safe for my child? Can I even allow my child to use the
internet?

A. The internet is loaded with millions of pages of adult content, so I do
understand your worry. It can be tough, but there are some safeguards you
can take. First of all, many browsers have a setting that allows you to
control the content able to be viewed. For example, in Internet Explorer you
click on Tools on the menu. Then you go to Internet Options. You then click
on Content and use the content advisor to help you. That's your 1st step.
There are also programs you may purchase as well as sites dealing with your
child's viewing. I'll include a few of these links here. Even with all the
precautions possible, however, you should still carefully monitor what they
do on the net. Keep an eye on the History as well if your browser has one.

http://www.safesurf.com, http://www.safekids.com, and
http://www.netnanny.com/home/home.asp are definitely three sites to check
out. The last one is the site for one of those programs, NetNanny.


Q. A friend of mine told me that my next door neighbor was a sex offender
and served time in jail for it. I've lived next to the man for two years and
I never had a clue. He seems so nice to my child and me. My friend is a bit
of a gossip and this was a "heard it from a friend of a friend of a friend"
kind of thing. I don't want to take it too seriously, but I don't want to be
unaware either. How do I find out with out being rude about it? That's a
very terrible thing to accuse an innocent person of.

A. First of all, we all know how rumors can be. Second of all, we all know
how dear the safety of our children truly is. You should take the cautious,
yet neutral path. Don't believe he is, but don't believe he isn't. The
important thing here is don't form an opinion. An opinion based on rumor is
like a scientific theory based on Dr. Seuss. It just doesn't work. However,
you were presented with an accusation, so you perform a little bit of your
own research. Check out your neighbor, but subtly. Don't become overly
paranoid or spy on him. You could risk getting into a lot of trouble if you
did.

A good place to start your little research project would be
http://www.apbnews.com/resourcecenter/sexoffender/index.html. This is the
Sex Offender Registry. You look up your state. They will either point you in
the direction of that states online listing of sex offenders, or tell you
how to get it. Some states, like Florida, keep it online. Others, like
Pennsylvania, don't.

Well, that's all for this issue. Be sure to check out Heather in her new
Stress Help WC Column. And don't forget to keep those questions and tips
coming in at QandA.CCMagazine@Eudoramail.com.

Until next issue, Happy Parenting.
Ed

 

Kitchenlab Kindermath -

Tutorial #6

By:   Noreen Wyper

  
Pasta is my favorite treat,
Different shapes that I can eat,
Spaghetti, twists and bowties,
Macaroni any size,
Match them up, two by two,
Use your eyes as your clue.  

Matching: Tutorial # 6: One-to-one correspondence.  

Shapes:  Select pairs of different pasta shapes. Glue each piece of pasta to an index card. Mix up the cards on the table. Have the child find the matching pairs.  

Size:  Save your paper towel cardboard tubes. Cut them into different heights, always two the same size. Arrange them on the table at random. The child stands them up on the table, moving them around until they are paired up according to height.
 

Go to the cupboards. Take out all the cans and place them on the floor. Have the child
match them up according to the total size of the can or the height of the can. Now, repeat
the activity with any food boxes found in the cupboards.   Color:  Place a variety of fruits and veggies on the table. Match them up according to color.

 
Using cans from the cupboards once again, match up the same colored, labeled cans
such as green beans to green peas.

Match up the same colored glasses, bowls etc.   Association:  Place all these items on the table at random. Have the child match them up.

Which ones belong together? Items are; cup, saucer, salt shaker, pepper shaker, dishcloth, tea towel, fork, knife, soup bowl, soupspoon, glass, pitcher, can opener and a can.   Sets of numerals:  Begin with the numeral 1. Find the same numeral on the clock,
microwave, calendar etc.. Search the grocery ads for this same numeral. Circle it with a
brightly-colored crayon or marker.

Take a paper plate and print the numeral 1 in the middle of it. Do the same for the
numerals your child has mastered from tutorial #5. Have the child match sets of different
items into each paper plate. For example; 1 pasta shell into #1 plate; 2 candles into #2
plate, etc.  

Next Week: Measurement; Serration: Ordering 2 or more objects according to size.

Expanding your Circle

By:   Jenifer B. McCrea

There is nothing quite like moving to a new city with an infant or toddler.  Once your children are in school, it really becomes much easier to meet people.  There’s PTA, or at least volunteering at school functions. Of course your child makes friends, and hopefully you can at least tolerate your kid’s friend’s parents. 

However, when you have a younger than pre-school child and you move to a new city, it’s just not that simple.  After you get settled into your new digs, it rapidly becomes apparent how many wonderful friends you had wherever it was you just moved from.  I once called my husband three days AFTER we had sold our house, moved three thousand miles and put a bid on a new house, and cried, I  mean cried, that we had made a huge mistake and could he get his old job back and take us ‘home?’

Of course, I was sitting in a dingy temporary apartment, in the worst part of town, with my toddler sitting next to me on an air mattress eating "Cheez Whiz" out of the jar.  It was not a good day. OK, it was a truly horrible day, followed by several more horrible days.   Eventually though, things evened out.  My husband really likes his new company, and once we moved out of the squalor that was temporary living and into a house, things improved immensely.  I also met another mommy who has a daughter a few months younger than my son, and the kids play together beautifully.  After that, things really looked up.

But what is a stay at home Mom to do?  Where do you go to make friends your child is between "Gymboree" and Gym Class?  They say that the best place for singles to meet is in grocery stores.  I can pretty much guaranty that any Mommy in the grocery store is there on a mission, and is not in the “let’s chat for a bit and see if we can make a play date” mode.  Don’t despair you displaced Moms or those of you new to the stay at home game.  It isn’t as much who you know as where you go that will make the difference.  As old hat to the moving game, I have four recommendations below.  Some are even free.  I have tried them all and have met other Moms, some of whom are now friends, some that didn’t work as well, but then again you have that no matter where you go.

The MOMS club (www.momsclub.org)

I joined the MOMS (Moms Offering Moms Support) when I was a new stay at home Mom living in California.  I found that while I adored my new baby, he just wasn’t quite up to in depth conversation.  I had bored all my work friends with baby stories and my husband was beginning to ask if I was ever going to leave the house again. 

It’s a terrific group.  They separate by age, and branch off new groups to maintain a fairly small number in each group.  I was in a group with other new moms, and we were all first time mothers as well.  We talked about feedings and who was sleeping through the night.  We got to praise (or complain about) our partners for their help (or lack thereof).  It was a nice forum.  The groups generally meet weekly, and rotate homes, so the cost is minimal each week.  As the weather improved and the kids got a little more mobile, we also went to parks together.  I have to admit, it was nice to get out of the house once a week and go to another child proofed home.

You can check out their website and email for more information.  Each region seems to be structured slightly differently, so you’ll need to talk to your local group to find out more information.  There is also an annual fee, but I believe it is less than $25.00 a year, you get a members list, a newsletter, and lots of great information.

Your Local Library

Many local libraries have a weekly toddler story time.  You stay with your child, it isn’t a daycare situation, but you get to hear a story, and maybe interact with some other Moms.  Take it from me though; the storyteller doesn’t usually appreciate unexpected audience participation.  My son went and grabbed the little felt people off her felt board she was using as a prop to tell the story.  If looks could kill, I would be dead.

Story time is free, and while you are at the library, if you don’t have a Library Card, you should get one.  It is a lot of fun to cruise around the children’s section reminding yourself of old favorite books and finding new ones with your child.

Large Chain Bookstores

If you have either a Borders or Barnes and Noble near you, this is a don’t miss opportunity to meet other Moms.  There isn’t the need to be as quiet as in a library and the Children’s section is usually extensive.  At the information desk or checkout counter, they usually have a monthly calendar that you can take home.  Barnes and Noble as well as Borders sponsor story times once or twice a week.  Barnes and Noble is also a retailer for Thomas the Tank Engine, therefore many locations have a Thomas the Tank Engine table set up, where kids of all ages can play with the trains.  My son and I have spent many an hour sitting chatting with people while crashing Percy and Thomas into the roundhouse. This one is free if you can resist buying books (which I can’t) and coffee (another failing of mine).

Newcomer’s Club

If you are new in town, or have just bought a new house, you can join the Newcomer’s Club.  Often clubs will have subsets, like a Mom and Tots group, or even a Young Couples subset.  Check your local newspaper on Sunday for a calendar of events.  Newcomer’s Clubs sometimes take out small ads in the calendar, listing their meeting dates and times, or check with your local Chamber of Commerce.  There may be a nominal fee charged for babysitting, or if lunch is provided, but other than that Newcomer’s Clubs are usually free.

Maternal Jealousy

By:   Elizabeth Pennington

Within the world of children, inevitably lies a world of monsters...the imaginary and the not-so-imaginary.  Children and monsters go hand-in-hand, are joined at the hip, are each other’s shadows.  Monsters are always lurking about under beds and in closets waiting for dark to fall and bedtime to roll around.  But, children do not have exclusive rights to monsters.  Parents can be plagued by these pesky beasts as well.  To both children and parents, they come in the guise of insecurity, anxiety, doubt, fear, and jealousy.  Of all, it is jealousy, the Green-Eyed Monster, that tends to nag and gnaw the most at many mothers whose children spend the majority of their days with a nanny or any other childcare provider.

As a former daycare teacher and nanny, I have witnessed up close and personal this green-eyed monster at work.  A pretty sight it is not.  A child squeals in delight and jumps into the waiting arms of her nanny in the morning and wails in utter sorrow at the end of the day as the nanny walks out the door.  I have seen the tension and anxiety in a mother’s face as she watches this interaction and displays of emotion from her child.  Every time I have witnessed this maternal sadness and concern, I have longed to reassure her and to put her at ease, to tell her that in no way am I a threat to her and the bond with her child, to dispel the notion that if your child loves me then she must love you less.  A child’s heart is insatiable for love;  she cannot give nor receive enough of it.  Just as an adult’s heart is capable of infinite expansion, so is a child’s, if not more.

While I was living in West Virginia, I nannied for a family who had a little boy named Timmy, and I will never forget when his mother arrived home from work one evening.  I was holding Timmy in my arms as we greeted her at the door.  She walked in, gave me one hard look, and nearly snatched Timmy away, turned her back to me and began to coo and giggle with her son as she walked away from me without a second glance.  Her actions and body language spoke loudly and clearly demanding that I watch it, that I don’t get too close.  Clearly, my closeness with her son was a threat.  From that day on, I made sure that I was not overly affectionate with Timmy in front of her, that I blended into the background when she was there so that Timmy’s attention was focused squarely on his mother instead of me.  I felt I had to distance myself a bit from Timmy in order to not offend his mother.  This distancing took a bit of the joy out of the relationship I had developed with this little boy, and for a child who deserved as much love as possible, this was not fair to him.  Timmy and I both lost out.    

I ran into some friends not too long ago, and throughout the process of catching up on what’s new, they divulged that they were expecting their first child.  Knowing my experience with children, they began grilling me as to what I suggested for day care.  A live-in nanny?  Day care?  A family member?  As the discussion continued on, we came to the topic of maternal jealousy.  She admitted to me that she was afraid of her child becoming attached to the childcare provider, whomever she eventually was to choose. She was afraid of her reaction to see the bonding between her child and someone else other her or a  family member.  I think this is partly due to guilt, guilt that she, the mother, will not be there to care for her child during working hours.  But, I told her this, as I would tell anyone who cares to ask, that no one could possibly take her place in her child’s heart.  A child doesn’t become confused as to who is her mother.  The bond between mother and child begins from day one and continues on through the time in the womb and  beyond.  No other bond can even begin to come close to duplicating the mother/child bond.

I look back on Timmy and his mother and wonder why she chose to be jealous instead of appreciating my feelings for Timmy and vice versa.  Didn’t she want her child to be cared for and loved while she was gone?  Can there possibly be too many loving adults in this boy’s life?  Why couldn’t she realize that what I was able to provide for Timmy would only help ensure a happy and healthy son for her to come home to every night?  Would she have felt better if Timmy feared me day in and day out?  Was fear better than love? 

This is why jealousy is a monster.  This monster robs people of time, time that could be spent being at ease, knowing that the child they love with all their heart is being well cared for.  This monster robs people of the knowledge that the bond growing between child and nanny will help this child grow into a healthy and centered adult.  Don’t give into this monster.  Embrace the relationship your child enjoys while you are gone, then embrace the relationship you have with your child when you are home.  Your child deserves all the love that can possibly be heaped upon them.  Instead of resenting your nanny, thank her for loving your child.  After all, she is doing her job and doing it very, very well.

An English Countryside Through Vaughan Williams Eyes

By:   Christine L. Pollock

Did you ever stop to think where our music and songbooks come from? Who goes around collecting the pieces? There is a man from England who is famous for doing just that.

Ralph Vaughan Williams was born on October 12, 1872, in Gloucestershire (at Down Ampney) in England. It is said that his compositions were true works of England. The man was a brilliant composer whose works reflected those of Brahams. Some of his music touched on Impressionism (like Debussy), but he also flirted with more dissonant sounds.

As an extremely musically gifted man, Vaughan Williams composed many different genres. His varying styles included: nine symphonies, 5 operas, church music and picture music as well as theater music and much more. In 1903, Ralph went through the English countryside gathering Folk songs so the tunes could be immortalized. He also edited the English Hymnal and even composed hymns (an example would be the music to For all the Saints http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/126/richard_jordan.html).

Sometimes Ralph (pronounced “Rafe” – he got angry when people pronounced his name as “Rolph”) would take poetry and composed music for it. A grandmother in NY requested that I write about his piece, The Lark Ascending (http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/100/gary_kibler.html).

Ralph wrote the music for The Lark Ascending in 1914, but it was not publicly performed until 1920. The year he composed the piece was also the year that Vaughan Williams volunteered in the Field Ambulance Service in Flanders. He was dedicated to the war effort although he suffered deeply at the killings, especially of his close friend, the composer George Butterworth. In 1939, Ralph aided the Second World War effort by composing film music.

The music Vaughan Williams composed touched the hearts and minds of the people of England. The compositions told England’s story in music throughout the world. Ralph Vaughan Williams died in his sleep due to a heart attack on August 26, 1958. His fame was so great in England; his ashes were placed in Westminster Abbey.

How can Vaughan Williams come to life with our children? We day care providers can use this as a great excuse to study England. We can talk about the beautiful gardens and the old castles. Children love stories of knights and kings and queens. Some ideas for this week are:   

1. Have the children paint or color a scene while listening to The Lark Ascending.
2. Give the children scarves and have them pick a bird that they want to be. Put on the music and let them “soar”.
3. Have the children take a favorite poem and make up a melody for it.
4. Make homemade violins to play along with the music. Draw a violin shape on cardboard and cut it out. Make “strings” with yarn or dental floss. Use pipe cleaners for a bow.
5. Have the children and their friends talk about their favorite songs then make a personal daycare (or neighborhood) songbook.

Next week we will look at the beautiful English countryside in the works of John Constable. For a while now we have been looking at the late 1800’s and early 1900’s. Next week we will step back a little further in time.