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 Group
Dynamics
This summer I
went to a class on three successive Wednesday mornings.
It was supposed to be about Leadership and developing a
leadership style, or finding the one you’ve already got.
The final class was mainly about group dynamics, but as I
read my notes after the class I was shocked at how
applicable the same principles are to parenting. The
teacher, Bonnie McAllister, was my guide through the
following principles, but the parenting application is my
own.
There are 5
elements of trust in groups. They are: Openness, Support,
Acceptance, Sharing, and Cooperative Intent. Much of what
a leader does in a group is establishing and sustaining
trust. Also, to have a successful group one must let
people know they are acceptable. It’s the same in
parenting. Much of what we do is establishing and
sustaining the trust our children place in us. For
instance, if I say Alex can’t have a Popsicle unless he
finishes his dinner, then I have to stick to it. Although
in the short run he gets mad at me, in the long run, after
many repetitions of this scene he will understand that I
mean what I say.
 In
an adult group openness is tantamount to honesty tempered
with tact. If asked, you will give an opinion, but
refrain from editorializing or blurting things out
irrelevantly. With children, especially very young
children, openness is challenging. While most of us try
to refrain from outright lying, sometimes the truth is
just too much. The flip side is, if we don’t tell the
truth, or at least part of it, children know that
something is just not right. So here again, stick to as
few words as possible, and waiting until the question is
asked is usually the best course of action.
Support might
not mean what you think it means. It actually means to be
able to say to someone “This is important. How can I help
you to get it done?” and not undermine them by coming
along behind and cleaning up their mistakes. Recognition
that not everyone is strong in everything, and to help
them overcome weakness is the best kind of support you can
give. The application to parenting is obvious, isn’t it?
If you go along behind your child constantly redoing
everything they do, they will not have any opportunity to
learn from failing. Failure is tough whether you are
three or thirty-three, but it is also one of the greatest
ways to learn. If it’s important that your child not
fail, say, an exam, as parents we have to learn to ask the
question, “How can I help?” and not make the statement “Do
this or else.”
Acceptance can
be a difficult proposition in a group dynamic. One needs
to communicate a respect for everyone in the group through
a sincere appreciation of their contribution to the common
goal. Acceptance can be even more difficult with a
child. As parents we have dreams and goals for our
children, often from before they are born. Some can be
cultural, like a Jewish family expecting a male child to
have a Bar Mitzvah. Some are personal, as in a father who
wants his child to play a sport, and achieve what he was
unable to. However, our children are people, and as
people they develop their own tendencies and fears, likes
and dislikes. By accepting, and respecting, the choices
our children make, subject to our judgment of what they
are capable of thinking through, we show them that our
acceptance, and love, of them is not for their
accomplishments, but rather on an unconditional basis.
Sharing with a
group means to share not only ideas and instructions, but
to share materials and resources that help them move
toward their goal. Sharing with our children means
sharing not only our time and energy, but sharing
ourselves. As is age appropriate, sharing some of what
makes us who we are. Experiences both good and bad that
helped us to reach the point we are at. Sometimes it can
mean sharing a struggle that we are going through, “Mommy
is sad today because…” Letting children know that we have
issues that need to be dealt with lets children know that
they can deal with what they go through. What is more,
they can come to you, for sympathy, for empathy, for
someone to listen.
 For
groups, Cooperative Intentions mean that all the group
members will behave in a manner designed to help the group
achieve it’s goal. For parenting, lack of cooperative
intention often ends with a child in the ‘time-out’
chair. I find I have to remind myself that I don’t always
have to get my way, right away, with my sons. Sometimes,
I need to be a little more cooperative with them. After
all, what is it really going to matter if I delay going to
the store fifteen minutes so he can finish his play-do? I
do this in the hope that when we do have to be somewhere,
I can remind them how I have waited for them in the past,
so could they please hurry for me now.
So I
inadvertently spent my summer learning new parenting
skills. I hope to apply some of the principles I learned
to my group interactions on the parent committees this
fall. Group dynamics has already saved my son and I a
couple of high decibel discussions. So far applying this
to my son seems to diffuse situations. I hope it works as
well on the women in the volunteer parents organization.
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